April 1, 2020

Dear Sister, mon soeur, mes ami, whatever!

Just checking into make sure you’re still alive. Thanks for sending me the toilet paper. I told Cassie I wouldn’t mind using something else. Remember Pops talking about using the Montgomery Ward’s catalog? Ha ha. That didn’t go over too well with her.

“What would you use?” She said.

“Depends.” I said.

Get it?

Hippie told me that he saw on TV where President Trump just told Jim Acosta “April Fools! Me and President Xi were just having a little fun with you guys!”

I’m pretty sure it was his own April Fool’s joke.  Which was pretty bad, but consider the source? Truck drivers aren’t exactly as smart as journalists, who obviously could see right through what Trump said, if he did say it. But it wasn’t very funny. I mean what if it were true? You have to admit this whole thing seems a little weird. That British guy said a million, maybe 2 are going to get it, or die; I can’t remember which.

I got to work this morning and there was about 8 or ten guys standing in line. I didn’t measure but they looked closer to each other than 6 ft. I said to one of them “Hey they’re hiring like hell at Walmart!” They all laughed.

“Right dude. Let’s get the heebie-jeebies for 12 bucks an hour and let all them Wal-zombies sneeze on me while I’m putting out plastic from the Chi-comms? Fuck that.”

I take his point.

Hey we got nothing to worry about. The government is giving us back our own money. That’ll be a big help. $1200. But if you have missed a child support payment anytime between now, and say, like back to when the kid was born, you don’t get it. I think there’s lots of guys who won’t get too excited about that.

Namely yours truly. The short end of the stick guy,

Your little broheim,


Next Letter: Your Holiness

Author: hsderkin

H. Scott Derkin lives with his wife and a scruffy miniature poodle mix on the banks of a river in NW Michigan. By not taking into account his shortcomings, his wife has managed to stay with him for over half a century.