Your Holiness

Dear Pope Francis,

I was going to write you a note when I saw on CNN that you slapped a woman’s hands because she grabbed you and tried to pull you in for a kiss. We have a guy here at the shop who is like that, Ike. A big hugger. But there are only 5 of us still working, it’s not like we see hundreds of people a day like you do. And we are not old (no offense) and except for Big John none of us are what I would call heavy. Just saying.

But when I saw an article on Yahoo that you tested good and don’t have The ‘Rona I had to write. Even though I am not RC I was real glad to hear that. You seem like a cool guy. I like the outfits you wear, except maybe for the beanie. It takes a real pair of cajones to step out in something as different as that. Bold.

I also like that you are letting all the nuns and Swiss Guards (talk about cool outfits!) keep working during the lock-down. WE have to keep working too. You’re probably wondering why. Essential services. Just like Walmart and Costco. Except instead of praying for people and world peace and stuff or selling groceries and huge quantities of toilet paper, we fix trucks. And then pray that they keep running, ha ha.

But what is going on in the rest of Italy? Wow! I saw that people there actually have to show some kind of special badge to get around the city. But not only do you have your own army, you have your own damn city! That is far out. You don’t have to show nobody no steenking badges! Remember that movie? It was before my time but I bet you saw it when you were a little kid.

Hey! I got a suggestion that I think would get a lot of people to go for you even more than they do. What about giving RC’s credit for the time they spend sheltering in place as time spent in purgatory? I mean it’s bad enough we have to spend time with our families and there is shite on TV. Of course maybe people would rather spend the time in the big P, but I have to believe this is every bit as annoying as purgatory. Just a suggestion.

One other thing before I have to get back to work (I’m on lunch break). I was wondering the other day if dogs go to heaven? I have heard all sorts of things about that. But that, I figured you would be the ultimate authority on. I must tell you, though. If you say there are not dogs in heaven, I would rather not go. Not that I will anyway, most likely.

I’ll be in touch.


PS. I probably will never mail this to you anyway. It’s just something to do during lunch. Anyway, I don’t have your ZIP Code.

Next Letter: Blew The Dog’s Head Off

Author: hsderkin

H. Scott Derkin lives with his wife and a scruffy miniature poodle mix on the banks of a river in NW Michigan. By not taking into account his shortcomings, his wife has managed to stay with him for over half a century.