Doc Birx

Dear Doc Birx,

I really like how you wear those scarves when I see you on TV. It’s a nice look for ‘a woman of a certain age’. If this was audio you would have heard me do my French accent on that one.  And I have to say that you seem like the nicest person up there. But you all seem like you just crawled out of a wreck, which I guess you have. Speaking of which.

Thursday three kids got killed in that one-car over by Wolverine, on Old 27. B.J., (don’t-call-him ‘Blow Job’ no matter how funny you think it is, ‘cos he carries a pistol in his boot and he will put one in your knee), got the tow call on that. Most of the time the hook is the ‘first responder’ (ha ha) and when he got there the kid who was driving was crawling around in the ditch looking for his keys. He was the only one in the vehicle who lived.

“They always looking for they keys. Motherfuckers be bleeding out and broken bones and shit and they all worried about they keys.” B.J. told me.

And there’s about 100 cases in the tri-county but nobody is dead yet. From the Wuhan ‘Rona anyway. So, in case you’re interested in the score around here, its “Drunk kid rolling his pickup” – 3, Wuhan ‘Rona – 0.

But I did want to point something out to you. Now you’re saying that the people who are the worst carriers do not even know they have it. Don’t even know they have it? No symptoms? WTF. I don’t really give a fat flying Fanucci if you tell me that some red-eyed, morbidly obese dude with a bad liver who’s hawking and spitting can spread it, but now I’m supposed to be scared of everybody? WTF again. We have to be afraid of a disease that you don’t even know you got? Hey, if there is no solution there is no problem, if there is no problem there is no solution, is there? Sounds like Emperor’s New Clothes to me.  

Folks just go around breathing out and the germs land on stuff and the next person that touches the acetylene torch, or the drill press handle gets it? Great. It’s not like we have Florence Nightingale running around here spraying all our tools with Lysol. Really, I think we all ate enough dirt in this shop to give us some bad ass white blood cells. Those are the ones that roam our veins looking for germs and catch ‘em and send ‘em to the colon, right? See, I did pay some attention in Biology.

Here’s how it is at my essential job. I was greasing the bearings on a roll-off this morning with FC. He’s my B-I-L; my brother-in-law from days. Was days. He’s on disability now. It’s a long story. Anyway, we had to be closer than six feet what with me holding the plenum and him shooting it into the zerk. Fuckin’ Carl. FC. He does go on. Man. Anyway I’m seeing this little clear drop hanging from his nose drip onto his mustache and sure as shit he says some ‘b’ word and that drop flies off in a perfect arc and lands on my lip. Normally I wouldn’t care about something like this. I mean it happens all the time when you work close with other people, like when you’re both leaning over a fender or leaning in to the same mic singing at church. But if you’re saying we can get it from people breathing a little bit of spit out when they talk or sing, we’re all gonna get it, we’re all gonna die. That’s some real Rod Serling shit.

I know we’re all gonna die anyway but most of us aren’t looking for a way to die, and I sure as shit would not pick that one. I want to die peacefully in my sleep. Like my old PaPaw.

Not screaming in terror like the other 4 people in his car.

Then there’s another phrase I heard you say. ‘Sudden onset’. Boom, and you got it. Not only got it you’re sick as fuck. None of this ‘dry cough’ and ‘headache’ bullshit you told us about a week ago to watch for. Now it’s wake up in the middle of the night sweating like a racehorse. Pain in the gut like you’re being bayoneted. Can’t breathe. Go to the hospital and get a tube rammed down your throat if you’re lucky. Luckier still you get a chloroquine pill. But those are only for the politicians and movie stars, I guess.

So what is it? A bang or a whimper? Who coulda known back then what he meant? Seems pretty clear now though.

I just may hafta cry micelf to sleep again tonight.


PS – I just want to ask this then I’ll shut up. I saw where you said The Wuhan is no respecter of class, race, religion, creed; whether you’re an innie or an outie, righty or lefty (a sinister bunch -you’ll get that on your way home from the press conference) Ford or Chevy, or even sex. People of the male and female persuasion are getting the virus in pretty much equal numbers. What I don’t understand’s why they are the only genders getting this thing? I mean male and female. What about all the Bi’s and Tri’s, the Lady-boys and Otherkin? They don’t get this shit? If we can figure out why they don’t, we would be so over the ‘Rona. Of course, they did have more than their share of HIV a few years back. That was pretty fucked up.

Obviously disconnect time. I guess it’s science. There ya go. If it doesn’t make sense, it’s got to be science. Even Little Stevie Wonder could see that. I bet Jim Acosta will ask Trump about it. He’s pretty bold.

Get some rest. I’ll write later. You’re looking pretty beat.


Next Letter: Rat’s Ass

Author: hsderkin

H. Scott Derkin lives with his wife and a scruffy miniature poodle mix on the banks of a river in NW Michigan. By not taking into account his shortcomings, his wife has managed to stay with him for over half a century.