Social Distance This

Letters from The Tip O’ The Mitt during The ‘Rona, 2020

March 25, 2020

Dear Sis,

I suppose by now you have heard all about this Chinese virus thing. It’s the new sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Like a dance craze except I guess it’ll kill ya.

What won’t? Remember when cousin Cyril died from doing the macarena in the rain at his nieces wedding reception? It was held outdoors and he came down with a nasty cold that went to pneumonia and boom like that he croaked. Of course, it wasn’t actually the macarena that killed him.

Dancing in the rain. What a dumb ass. Still it’s sort of the same thing.  It was the old man’s friend that gave him the coup de gras. P-neumonia. The “P” is silent. As in swimming.

But I’m writing to tell you not to worry so much about me.  We have it pretty good here at the shop. Although we’re considered essential services, it’s pretty damn slow, which leads to a lot of clownin’. We’re supposed to wear N95’s all day which some guys wear anyways due to all the diesel exhaust. But not everybody. They’re hot, and you can never hear anybody. “Look out! Truck!” sounds like “Loofa! Fuck!” Does that sound like a warning? No. Somebody could get hurt.

Ike is the worst though. He is not down with any of this shit. I’m under a Mack 310 trying to wrench off the gearbox cover plate. “Hey Ike! I need a hand with this.” He slides his skinny black ass over on his creeper and says “Whassa matter Mace? Brought the old lady’s arms to work today?”

 He’s real close, which he didn’t have to be, so I say “Hey man don’t forget to social distance me.”

“Social distance this, motherfucker.” He says, and proceeds to plant a big juicy lip lock on my neck. Yeah, I swore at him, but really it was pretty funny. He has great comedic timing. Beside I do kind of like him.

We wear gloves all the time too. But not for germs. They help with holding oily tools. Speaking of holding oily tools, I was taking a piss and I thought, Man what if I have the Wuhan on my gloves and now, I’m holding the hog. What if I get germs on him? He is arguably the cleanest thing on my body. Maybe I should wear a condom so I can safely grip him without exposing him to the ‘Rona. It gets complicated.

Hope you and Carl are fine and that he has his ankle bracelet off soon.

Yr favorite baby boy brother,

Mason

Next Letter: Eat More Chicken

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: hsderkin

H. Scott Derkin lives with his wife and a scruffy miniature poodle mix on the banks of a river in NW Michigan. By not taking into account his shortcomings, his wife has managed to stay with him for over half a century.