Proper Preparation

I know I was a fuck off in school. I got no problem admitting that. All I cared about was getting high and getting girls, and it was kind of shocking to me when I got out most of my friends either went to college or got drafted and here I still was, in town and thanks to a high lottery number, not at Da Nang Tech. 

Only thing left to do was get a job. Buying gas one day at JB’s Gulf, Auto Repair & Towing I saw “Help Wanted” in the window and pretty soon I was pumping gas and changing oil for old Jim Brandenburg. I was a fuck off there too, and one day after I forgot to put the oil back in the crankcase and the customer’s engine seized up, old Jim came to me and said “Dean you can stay and work this off and I’ll teach you how to be a real mechanic, or you can get the fuck out right now.”

For eight years me and Jim worked ass crack to elbow in that little two bay gas station. There was nothing you could put a wrench on that him and me couldn’t fix. I was there every day at 6 AM and did everything he told me to do. If I come up on something that seemed like it was impossible to do, he would stop what he was doing and come over, wiping his hands on a shop towel and say, “Well, what would you do here if you did know what to do?” Just do the next right thing, that was Jim’s motto. I’ve tried to live by those words ever since.

When he died he left me all his tools. After the funeral, a company suit came into the station and told me that Gulf was going to make our station a ‘pump it yourself’ place with no service bays. I could stay on and maybe work my way to manager but I said no, I’m a mechanic, not a peanut and cigarette salesman.

For two years I bounced around and took whatever work I could find. I was working five eights for Brown and Root as a maintenance mechanic in Pensacola and 10 to 2 AM as a bouncer at a bar in when I met Char. We were married in two weeks. We talked about having kids. At the time there wasn’t anything I wanted more than to be with her until the end of time. There’s times now when I wish her legs would grow together.

When things started to go south for us I decided to take the next job that got us out of town. That ended up being out here in bum-fuck North Dakota. Frack city.

It is unbe-fuckin-lievable how things run around here. Do they think vehicles just fix themselves? I tell them you don’t know what you got until you get into it and they’ll just stare at the axle or the trannie, like, ‘bwoop-bwoop’ – something is supposed to go from their head into the gear case, take out the planetaries, lube them and reset. They don’t know a sun gear from a ring gear.

Management? In their own little world. Not a clue as to what it takes to get a vehicle back on the road. I walk by Marty’s office and for no real reason he calls me in.

“Ready for the battle today, Tiger? You prepared?”

I’m here on time everyday. I have my own tools. All of them. I’m prepared. It’s not like I’m trying to do everything with a fire wrench and a multi-tool like Goose. It’s like I told him the other day, showing him my tool box; you think a set of sockets and open ends like that just grow on trees? Hell no. All Matco drop forged made in the USA. The 5 ‘P’s”, dude. Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. You got to prepare for every eventuality, because this shit is real. Try to use a 1 inch socket when you really need a 25 millimeter socket and you don’t have one?  You’ll see how fast lack of preparation bites you in the ass.

Danny is always asking me “Dean, what is your goal for eliminating vehicular downtime this quarter? What kind of plan do you got for achieving that goal?”

Planning. That’s what I need. Planning and a goal.

With a plan I’ll know what I’m doing everyday. Right now I’m like a cat trying to cover shit on a marble floor. Sixteen trucks. Four mechanics, if you count Goose. Fucking Goose. He’s more of a parts changer. Saw him trying to wrench out an inch and a quarter boss plug the other day. He was about to put the fire wrench on it when I came by. I could not believe he was using an adjustable wrench. I put a box on it and torqued that bitch out. I told him bring your arms to work tomorrow, Goose. Leave your old lady’s at home.

A goal is like what you do in football; it’s a target, something you shoot at. So no problem. I’m shooting at totally eliminating vehicular downtime this quarter, dude. Keep all those g-wagons and vactors running every day. 100 per cent satisfaction, Danny. You like me now?

 Just the same, you can make your plans but you can’t really plan on the outcome. I never have been able to figure why some things seem to work out the way they do. Like when Char was taking those ‘modeling’ classes. She had big plans. New York City. Then one day I found a video tape she had brought home and thought it was some of our vacation stuff. Popped it in the old VHS. There she was, fucking some guy with her shoes on. Bunch of other people without their clothes on; all in knots. Don’t work for me. I thought I had a wife but I had a whore.

I got back in the shop just in time to see Goose getting ready to fire up the wire welder. I said, Goose! Did you change the wire? I was doing stainless this morning. Real smug like he hollers back, yes I did Dean, drawing out my name like “Dee-anne”.

Well you gotta change the gas too, dumb-ass, I told him.

He was gonna weld regular steel with tri-mix gas. What a loser.


Social Distance This

Letters from The Tip O’ The Mitt during The ‘Rona, 2020

March 25, 2020

Dear Sis,

I suppose by now you have heard all about this Chinese virus thing. It’s the new sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Like a dance craze except I guess it’ll kill ya.

What won’t? Remember when cousin Cyril died from doing the macarena in the rain at his nieces wedding reception? It was held outdoors and he came down with a nasty cold that went to pneumonia and boom like that he croaked. Of course, it wasn’t actually the macarena that killed him.

Dancing in the rain. What a dumb ass. Still it’s sort of the same thing.  It was the old man’s friend that gave him the coup de gras. P-neumonia. The “P” is silent. As in swimming.

But I’m writing to tell you not to worry so much about me.  We have it pretty good here at the shop. Although we’re considered essential services, it’s pretty damn slow, which leads to a lot of clownin’. We’re supposed to wear N95’s all day which some guys wear anyways due to all the diesel exhaust. But not everybody. They’re hot, and you can never hear anybody. “Look out! Truck!” sounds like “Loofa! Fuck!” Does that sound like a warning? No. Somebody could get hurt.

Ike is the worst though. He is not down with any of this shit. I’m under a Mack 310 trying to wrench off the gearbox cover plate. “Hey Ike! I need a hand with this.” He slides his skinny black ass over on his creeper and says “Whassa matter Mace? Brought the old lady’s arms to work today?”

 He’s real close, which he didn’t have to be, so I say “Hey man don’t forget to social distance me.”

“Social distance this, motherfucker.” He says, and proceeds to plant a big juicy lip lock on my neck. Yeah, I swore at him, but really it was pretty funny. He has great comedic timing. Beside I do kind of like him.

We wear gloves all the time too. But not for germs. They help with holding oily tools. Speaking of holding oily tools, I was taking a piss and I thought, Man what if I have the Wuhan on my gloves and now, I’m holding the hog. What if I get germs on him? He is arguably the cleanest thing on my body. Maybe I should wear a condom so I can safely grip him without exposing him to the ‘Rona. It gets complicated.

Hope you and Carl are fine and that he has his ankle bracelet off soon.

Yr favorite baby boy brother,


Next Letter: Eat More Chicken














April Fool

April 1, 2020

Dear Sister, mon soeur, mes ami, whatever!

Just checking into make sure you’re still alive. Thanks for sending me the toilet paper. I told Cassie I wouldn’t mind using something else. Remember Pops talking about using the Montgomery Ward’s catalog? Ha ha. That didn’t go over too well with her.

“What would you use?” She said.

“Depends.” I said.

Get it?

Hippie told me that he saw on TV where President Trump just told Jim Acosta “April Fools! Me and President Xi were just having a little fun with you guys!”

I’m pretty sure it was his own April Fool’s joke.  Which was pretty bad, but consider the source? Truck drivers aren’t exactly as smart as journalists, who obviously could see right through what Trump said, if he did say it. But it wasn’t very funny. I mean what if it were true? You have to admit this whole thing seems a little weird. That British guy said a million, maybe 2 are going to get it, or die; I can’t remember which.

I got to work this morning and there was about 8 or ten guys standing in line. I didn’t measure but they looked closer to each other than 6 ft. I said to one of them “Hey they’re hiring like hell at Walmart!” They all laughed.

“Right dude. Let’s get the heebie-jeebies for 12 bucks an hour and let all them Wal-zombies sneeze on me while I’m putting out plastic from the Chi-comms? Fuck that.”

I take his point.

Hey we got nothing to worry about. The government is giving us back our own money. That’ll be a big help. $1200. But if you have missed a child support payment anytime between now, and say, like back to when the kid was born, you don’t get it. I think there’s lots of guys who won’t get too excited about that.

Namely yours truly. The short end of the stick guy,

Your little broheim,


Next Letter: 1220


Wet Market

Breaking News!

Costco opens first in-store Wet Market in Seattle.

With plans to open several more of the newly named “Wuhanland” wet markets in Hollywood, Ann Arbor MI, Madison WI and Traverse City, MI.

“We just threw Traverse City in there as a joke.” Said Brent Mc******, VP of Expansion told us. “They won’t know what they’re eating anyway. The more sophisticated palate that we cater to at most stores will be eager to try the globally sensitive servings of Chiropteran sushi and kabobs.”

“Is the current martial law-like environment hampering operations?” We axed him.

“Quite the contrary! It has only intensified interest. We have very attractive take-away services. And if you have a prescription from your provider, there is no federal tax.”

We were unable to find any reviews on Yelp, either positive or negative but the Hu Ding Dong Rating service of the Peoples Republic gave the Wuhanland venture over seven hundred million “5 Chopstick” reviews.

©saynothingnews, 2020

OK, sis. I’m sending you this memo that somebody posted on the bulletin board at work. Real funny. It doesn’t sound real, but these days you never know. Do you and Carl still go to Costco? I know they sell hot dogs and stuff and in the back of the store; they have like a meat market and bakery counter, so maybe it is real. I don’t know what “is” is anymore. But I don’t think a real reporter would say ‘axed’. Do you? Nope, I sure don’t.


Monday Monday. Can’t trust that day. Remember that one, Carl?

Fuckin’ Carl. My man.

Dude, did you ever see Ike go off when you worked with him? I think this Wuhanarona stuff is getting the best of him. He went down to Lansing (“I was about the only Black motherfucker there.” He said. “10,000 people and they was like three four of my people there.”) the other day after work to drive around and fuck up traffic to get da gubner to let people go back to work. He didn’t get back until about midnight. I had to clock in for him. And then he was showing his ass the whole rest of the shift.

I found this letter in my mail slot. Actually, he pointed it out to me, said he wrote it ‘cause he was sick of people saying “we’re all in this together”. Check this out. From Ike:

“Here’s a news flash for all you all: NO, WE AIN’T ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! We all in the same shitstorm, but some folks have a better storm cellar. Some folks still have they jobs. Some people still have to go out do theirs, and some people can sit on they ass at home and write stories or be on TV or talk on the radio and when the eagle flies on Friday they good. Some people have to sit at home and watch while they 401K goes 101K. Some people sit at home and spend all day on the telephone calling the banksters begging for a payroll loan that might – or might not –  keep they painting business, florist shop, tree trimming business, Barbecue, hairdresser, pet shop or whatever else they built for the last 20 years go down the shit hole. Some folks have reporters from NPR come over and look at they $20K freezer’s full of 20 dollar a pint ice cream they laid in for the lock-down. No, there’s lots of different cellars for folks.

And seems like there is some kind of social hair-ro-ine for the masses going on where old white rock stars do these home video concerts. For the W.H.O. Not Pete Townshend and them motherfuckers. The World Health Organization. Dig, I came across one of them while I was looking around for some free shit on the innernet. Here’s four ancient ol’ white motherfuckers putting on a ‘concert’. The Stones.

And then the shit under the video. For real? Check it out, I copied it down, to prove I didn’t make this shit up:  The Stones were a last-minute addition to Saturday’s already star-studded lineup, and their rootsy, in-the-pocket performance of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” — with Mick Jagger (sounding in fantastic form), Keith Richards, Ronnie Wood, and Watts appearing in four Brady Bunch-style split-screen squares — was one of the most anticipated and well-received moments of the broadcast. But it didn’t take long for fans to notice that Watts wasn’t actually drumming live.”

Rootsy?!?!?!  You Kunta Kinte motherfucker. Leave that shit alone, right? Unless you more black than that old white bitch ran for president was fuckin’ Cherokee. Ain’t that a trip?

Every other word is boo-shit. “In-the-pocket”?  Shee-it.  It wasn’t even in the pants. It was about the least “in the pocket” thing I ever heard anybody play anything. Fucking horrible. They wasn’t nothin’ … I mean the whole idea of it.  But all in the name of the brotherhood of man, feel me?

Fuckin’ a, people. It’s just a bunch of nearly dead bo-toxed ancient motherfuckers who’ve had their blood changed out to kick hereoin and they wattle surgically removed, playing to a bunch of motherfuckers who would clap on anything that they do. In fact. Fuck. I just don’t know. I just know we fucked. Feel me? We fucked when this is what passes for the blues, when this is what we get, junkin’ up the spirits of peoples whose God-given liberties and being fucked over by governors and mayors who don’t even know what the Bill of Rights is.”


Preach it. I felt like I just went to church. I looked up at Ike when I was done reading this.

“So why do you care?” I asked him.

Ike looked at me. “Who said I did?”

Gotta like Ike.

Yer BIL, Mason

Next Letter: FC

Message Units

OK, so, yah – Sis! Sorry about your message units or whatever it was there. Cable length. Data base. Pixels. I was telling you about that fart thing, right? Before your phone died? Of course you won’t get this for 2 days anyway if and that’s a big if I mail it today. Or maybe you’ll get off your ass and trot down to the phone store and buy some time. Ha ha. Anyway, here is what happened.

Cheryl and me are not getting along all that well (shut up) since she moved in here with her little Latin love child, the day after Mr. Big Deal Dope Dealer kicked her out and the day the gov locked everything down. So now she can’t go anywhere. Of course I can still go to the shop, cause we’re extensile. Ha ha. I know it’s ‘essential’. I didn’t have to go to 6 years of college to know a little something. So why did I let her in? It wasn’t just for sex, but TBH that did have something to do with it. Not that it has done me much good. She usually goes in to the kid’s room and passes out with him.

But the other night we were watching YOUTUBE and this thing comes on about farts being able to ‘pass’ the Wuhan germ. Farts. Man, it was roll on the floor hold your stomach start to actually literally physically choke funny. That good. We tried to wheeze things out to each other: ‘Light a match and save a Senior Citizen!’ (Why that was funny I don’t know.) ‘Lock down Taco Bell!’, ‘Silent but deadly! No, really!’ And my contribution, ‘No hummus for you!’ Like in the Seinfeld Soup Nazi episode.

Then, you guessed it.

All that laughing and rolling around loosened me up a bit and I let one go. Rrrrrr-ippp, blat blat blat blat. Like the walking farts but you know, these were the laughing farts.

It got real quiet. All the fun was gone from the room, and was replaced by something else.

“That is so fucking gross! What a peasant! What’s next? Gonna go shit in the driveway?”

Wow. She looked at me like she didn’t even know me. Fuckin A. You’d think she never heard me fart before. She should talk. How many times have I felt that little wind egg being laid on my thigh during the night when I spoon her? Do I wake her up and say anything like ‘you make me sick’? No. I just pray for it to stay under the covers. And when you hear little Pancho fart, you better vacate. He can fill up a diaper real good with some serious shit. So, I’m hardly the biggest problem here.

Anyway, that’s the fart story. I think it would have been funnier over the phone. Needed sound effects.

Wow. It’s 11:00 PM already. Guess who’s late for work? Yep.

Mason the Essential Essene from Emmet County M-m-m-meesh-again

Next Letter: FC

Rat’s Ass


Hey Cuz, I looked at the date and decided it was a sign to check you out. Getting any, Rat? Better believe it! Actually, I don’t know if you are still referred to as Rat, or if you have gone back with the old original Christian name, Rathbone. Not that you are a Christian. Or have to be.

Sis used to call you Boner, remember?

So, what is happening out on the prairie? How’s the hydroponic weed business? It’s legal here. And guess what? Even though you can’t eat at a restaurant or go to your favorite mosque, temple, church or ashram due to all these Chinese virus rules, the pot stores are considered essential business. Medical and rec. Liquor stores too.  Don’t try to buy a can of paint though. Or a grow-light. You can’t get a hernia fixed but you can get an abortion. Well, not you, but you know what I mean. Does any of this make sense?

Of course, you don’t have anything like that where you are in South Dakota. Just a bunch of cowboys frackin’ the shit out of The Badlands, smoking that chronic shit you grow. I think I told you about my pal Ike that I work with. He kind of reminds me of you, except he’s Black and he never got his picture in the paper for being in possession of a kilo of weed and 15 grams of mushrooms. Ha ha. I’ll never forget that. That picture was right out of central casting for a loser dope dealer in one of those Scared Straight movies. Hilarious. You lucked out there, Rat. Never actually went to regular prison on that case, did you? I remember writing to you at some sort of detention center. That had to be better than Jackson, right? And also, Ike is not paranoid like you are, not that I don’t think people aren’t out to get you. In your line of work things get pretty dicey sometimes, I bet.

He came in the other day with his precious “I Like Ike” button pinned on his Carhartt. It’s from the 50’s. I guess his dad was about the only black Republican at Chevrolet and Ike was actually named for Dwight D. Eisenhour, 34thth president of the USA, nicknamed Ike. Not ‘Dwight’, or ‘Eisenhour’, which he could have been. I knew a lot of guys in high school had ‘Roosevelt’ or ‘Lincoln’ or ‘Jackson’ as their first name. ‘Ike’ was Eisenhour’s nickname. My man Ike is carrying on the family tradition.

I don’t do politics but I will admit that Ike comes up with some pretty bold shit.

“Do the math, Mace. Do the math. 535 times $174,000 a year equals $93,090,000. Plus all the other shit they get. We paying 535 members of Congress millions. And they don’t do shit. We paying Trump nothin’. That’s right. He don’t take his pay. Give it away. And he does everything. Got us working and makin’ more than ever, at least up to all this boo shit started.”

I kinda drifted off on him.

“You feel me, Mace?” he said.

“Yeah you oughta run for something.” I told him. “I’d vote your ass right into office.”

I like Ike.

But all I could think about was putting seals on that nasty roll off box. That’s a job I could do without. Not the worst though. Cleaning the tanks with MEK is the worst. You will get fucked up if you’re not careful. As in dead fucked up. Never go into a tank alone. Yeah. And have somebody spotting you on the outside, talking to you, making sure you all right. That’s where Clement got simple. How long exactly he was in the bottom of that tank nobody knows, but we were 15 minutes into lunch before somebody missed him.

And Clem was never late for lunch. He came around pretty quick after we got him out, but later that afternoon he’d begun to stare off in the corner of the room like he was waiting for someone. He couldn’t focus on anything. Can’t have a dude like that around. He ended up working at a car wash, last I heard. But hell, I just read where a bunch of Costco people died with the ‘Rona. Ain’t that a bitch? At least Clem is still alive.

Who still ain’t got his stinkin’ $1220 stimulus check?

Yours truly.


Next Letter: Message Units

Doc Birx

Dear Doc Birx,

I really like how you wear those scarves when I see you on TV. It’s a nice look for ‘a woman of a certain age’. If this was audio you would have heard me do my French accent on that one.  And I have to say that you seem like the nicest person up there. But you all seem like you just crawled out of a wreck, which I guess you have. Speaking of which.

Thursday three kids got killed in that one-car over by Wolverine, on Old 27. B.J., (don’t-call-him ‘Blow Job’ no matter how funny you think it is, ‘cos he carries a pistol in his boot and he will put one in your knee), got the tow call on that. Most of the time the hook is the ‘first responder’ (ha ha) and when he got there the kid who was driving was crawling around in the ditch looking for his keys. He was the only one in the vehicle who lived.

“They always looking for they keys. Motherfuckers be bleeding out and broken bones and shit and they all worried about they keys.” B.J. told me.

And there’s about 100 cases in the tri-county but nobody is dead yet. From the Wuhan ‘Rona anyway. So, in case you’re interested in the score around here, its “Drunk kid rolling his pickup” – 3, Wuhan ‘Rona – 0.

But I did want to point something out to you. Now you’re saying that the people who are the worst carriers do not even know they have it. Don’t even know they have it? No symptoms? WTF. I don’t really give a fat flying Fanucci if you tell me that some red-eyed, morbidly obese dude with a bad liver who’s hawking and spitting can spread it, but now I’m supposed to be scared of everybody? WTF again. We have to be afraid of a disease that you don’t even know you got? Hey, if there is no solution there is no problem, if there is no problem there is no solution, is there? Sounds like Emperor’s New Clothes to me.  

Folks just go around breathing out and the germs land on stuff and the next person that touches the acetylene torch, or the drill press handle gets it? Great. It’s not like we have Florence Nightingale running around here spraying all our tools with Lysol. Really, I think we all ate enough dirt in this shop to give us some bad ass white blood cells. Those are the ones that roam our veins looking for germs and catch ‘em and send ‘em to the colon, right? See, I did pay some attention in Biology.

Here’s how it is at my essential job. I was greasing the bearings on a roll-off this morning with FC. He’s my B-I-L; my brother-in-law from days. Was days. He’s on disability now. It’s a long story. Anyway, we had to be closer than six feet what with me holding the plenum and him shooting it into the zerk. Fuckin’ Carl. FC. He does go on. Man. Anyway I’m seeing this little clear drop hanging from his nose drip onto his mustache and sure as shit he says some ‘b’ word and that drop flies off in a perfect arc and lands on my lip. Normally I wouldn’t care about something like this. I mean it happens all the time when you work close with other people, like when you’re both leaning over a fender or leaning in to the same mic singing at church. But if you’re saying we can get it from people breathing a little bit of spit out when they talk or sing, we’re all gonna get it, we’re all gonna die. That’s some real Rod Serling shit.

I know we’re all gonna die anyway but most of us aren’t looking for a way to die, and I sure as shit would not pick that one. I want to die peacefully in my sleep. Like my old PaPaw.

Not screaming in terror like the other 4 people in his car.

Then there’s another phrase I heard you say. ‘Sudden onset’. Boom, and you got it. Not only got it you’re sick as fuck. None of this ‘dry cough’ and ‘headache’ bullshit you told us about a week ago to watch for. Now it’s wake up in the middle of the night sweating like a racehorse. Pain in the gut like you’re being bayoneted. Can’t breathe. Go to the hospital and get a tube rammed down your throat if you’re lucky. Luckier still you get a chloroquine pill. But those are only for the politicians and movie stars, I guess.

So what is it? A bang or a whimper? Who coulda known back then what he meant? Seems pretty clear now though.

I just may hafta cry micelf to sleep again tonight.


PS – I just want to ask this then I’ll shut up. I saw where you said The Wuhan is no respecter of class, race, religion, creed; whether you’re an innie or an outie, righty or lefty (a sinister bunch -you’ll get that on your way home from the press conference) Ford or Chevy, or even sex. People of the male and female persuasion are getting the virus in pretty much equal numbers. What I don’t understand’s why they are the only genders getting this thing? I mean male and female. What about all the Bi’s and Tri’s, the Lady-boys and Otherkin? They don’t get this shit? If we can figure out why they don’t, we would be so over the ‘Rona. Of course, they did have more than their share of HIV a few years back. That was pretty fucked up.

Obviously disconnect time. I guess it’s science. There ya go. If it doesn’t make sense, it’s got to be science. Even Little Stevie Wonder could see that. I bet Jim Acosta will ask Trump about it. He’s pretty bold.

Get some rest. I’ll write later. You’re looking pretty beat.


Next Letter: Rat’s Ass

June Bug

April Showers, 2020

Number Nine

Dear Cheryl –

I bet you never expected to hear from me again. But I have been thinking, especially with this virus thing going around (I almost could hear the way you would pronounce that – like ‘Tha-ang’) that who knows, maybe nobody survives? Or it’s just a big hoax and it all blows up. Anyway, in either case there are a couple things I would like to get straightened out. Between us.

First. I never once said that your neck looked like ring of bologna. And even if I did, that hardly seems to be the kind of thing that would cause you to have your brother jump me outside The Library with his pals from the motorcycle club.

Ha ha. Of course that’s meant to be a joke.  You don’t even have a brother. But I figured I better get your attention. Right. Then another funny thing is I’m typing this on your old Smith-Corona. Yes, the one you left in the utility room shed with your brushes and oils and all that other crap you were always going to sell. If I still drank, I’d drink a Corona in your memory.

In case you were wondering about me, how I was doing in this time of national analyzation, (which I am sure you are not) I’m not very damn good. It’s down to me and Ike on nights and we’re busier than a cat covering shit on a marble floor.

One of the guys on days, Hector, we call him Hector the Erector; because, you know, he is always building shit. And it almost never works. Last thing he made was an air over hydraulic lift so you could get your arm under the dumpster to release the locking mechanism without taking it off from the inside. Right. Made me think of you. You’re always fucking things up too.

Anyway, he was showing it off to the boss and it fell on his arm. It didn’t break but he had a hell of blood bruise. He cried like a little baby. I would have. Fuckin’ A I would have.

You know, it struck me the other day that maybe I acted a bit hastily, or re-acted a bit hastily. I mean you’re not the first woman who has stole her old man’s truck and left him for her drug dealer. And had a baby with him. And then wanted to come home, baby and all. But, what the hell? Forgive and forget, right?  We always wanted to have a kid anyway. So when you said you wanted to meet, I thought sure, why not? Maybe we can work this thing out.

I bought the coffee (no ‘Thanks, Mace!’?) and we sat on that bench, you weeping about how bad Raul treated you and the little kid, what’s his name? He is real cute, I’ll give you that. I wondered if he is still in diapers, you know, shitting his pants and all? But all I could think about was what you said when I went and got my truck back from you over at Raul’s.

“I did it for you, Mace.”

WTF, dude. First off, I would never leave you for my drug dealer. Of course, Raul is a 6’2” vaquero from Venezuela and mine was a guy I’d meet under the bridge named June Bug. Second off, that’s the kind of man you need, isn’t it Cheryl? You need a man who has all those little bags of white powder and treats you like shit. But I’m not going to rescue you from that anymore. Cheryl, I don’t know what has changed about how I feel except this Chinese virus fucking everything up, but the thing is I feel noble. I feel virile. You know? So, no. We ain’t getting back together.

Anyway, if you’re still doing the hair cutting thing, I could use one. I tried to cut it micelf with a beard trimmer. Not too successfully. So it looks a little choppy. But it isn’t like I’m going to visit the Pope or anything.

As always, Mason the Virile The cruel month, 12th Day, Year of Our Lord 2020

Next Letter: Doc Birx

Blew The Dog’s Head Off

2 down, 28 and a wake up before we bust out of L7, 2020

Dear God, G-d, The Great Senor, A – Zed, The is that Is all there IS,

What about it? I mean down here. This isn’t funny anymore. Woo hoo! Wakey wakey! You’re breakin’ our hearts. It isn’t enough that people are scared shitless, there won’t be a baseball season, and my best “Lifetime” (there’s a laugh) SS 25 mm open end busted. (Thanks alot Big John, BTW.)

Now I have to deal with John Prine drowning in his own spit too? Jesus have mercy. John Prine? I mean that guy has already had about, what, 5 kinds of cancer? Let’s cut some slack for him. He isn’t that eager to have a cigarette ‘nine miles long’ and ‘vodka and ginger ale’.

What else do you have in store for us? I seem to have heard about some bad bad stuff coming. Plagues of locusts? Giant cracks appearing in the earth? Exploding pizzas? No kidding did you see that one? I’m sure you did, you’re God!  But just in case, this guy’s pizza exploded and killed his dog. Pizza guy leaves it on the porch and runs off; he don’t want to get any diseases from the guy, so he doesn’t even wait for a tip. Sets the pizza down and rings the bell and then books out of there. Dog comes sniffing up to the delicious whatever it smells and boom. Had a timed deton device. Blew the dogs head off. I guess the guy was a con of some kind, but still. This is what we’re dealing with here, Lord. Google it.

Not that you have to.

Is this it? If it is, I wish it would get a lot worse pretty quick so I could take it seriously, or just go away. Know what I’m saying? I’m nuts with this stuff.

Meanwhile, at the salt mines they brought out every piece of rolling stock they could find in the tri-county area. Every crap tractor they could drive in here and the ones they couldn’t they had towed. And now it’s down to me and Ike nights. Basically, all we’re doin’ is trying to fix the stuff days fucks up. Get this. On one of the vac trucks, they had a 6 in AG Male welded on the intake. Had to grind it off and weld on a female. Really dumb. Ike was pissed.

“Fuck the truck, fuckers! The female goes on the truck. We always fuck the truck with the hose!”

I repent for going off on you like this. But this is about ready to do me in. Remember the time I found out about Cheryl? It’s not as bad as that but almost. I don’t even know why I bother to write.

I like your Son better than you sometimes. I’m sorry, that’s just a fact.


Next Letter: June Bug

Your Holiness

Dear Pope Francis,

I was going to write you a note when I saw on CNN that you slapped a woman’s hands because she grabbed you and tried to pull you in for a kiss. We have a guy here at the shop who is like that, Ike. A big hugger. But there are only 5 of us still working, it’s not like we see hundreds of people a day like you do. And we are not old (no offense) and except for Big John none of us are what I would call heavy. Just saying.

But when I saw an article on Yahoo that you tested good and don’t have The ‘Rona I had to write. Even though I am not RC I was real glad to hear that. You seem like a cool guy. I like the outfits you wear, except maybe for the beanie. It takes a real pair of cajones to step out in something as different as that. Bold.

I also like that you are letting all the nuns and Swiss Guards (talk about cool outfits!) keep working during the lock-down. WE have to keep working too. You’re probably wondering why. Essential services. Just like Walmart and Costco. Except instead of praying for people and world peace and stuff or selling groceries and huge quantities of toilet paper, we fix trucks. And then pray that they keep running, ha ha.

But what is going on in the rest of Italy? Wow! I saw that people there actually have to show some kind of special badge to get around the city. But not only do you have your own army, you have your own damn city! That is far out. You don’t have to show nobody no steenking badges! Remember that movie? It was before my time but I bet you saw it when you were a little kid.

Hey! I got a suggestion that I think would get a lot of people to go for you even more than they do. What about giving RC’s credit for the time they spend sheltering in place as time spent in purgatory? I mean it’s bad enough we have to spend time with our families and there is shite on TV. Of course maybe people would rather spend the time in the big P, but I have to believe this is every bit as annoying as purgatory. Just a suggestion.

One other thing before I have to get back to work (I’m on lunch break). I was wondering the other day if dogs go to heaven? I have heard all sorts of things about that. But that, I figured you would be the ultimate authority on. I must tell you, though. If you say there are not dogs in heaven, I would rather not go. Not that I will anyway, most likely.

I’ll be in touch.


PS. I probably will never mail this to you anyway. It’s just something to do during lunch. Anyway, I don’t have your ZIP Code.

Next Letter: Blew The Dog’s Head Off


April 1, 2020

Dear Sister, mon soeur, mes ami, whatever!

Just checking into make sure you’re still alive. Thanks for sending me the toilet paper. I told Cassie I wouldn’t mind using something else. Remember Pops talking about using the Montgomery Ward’s catalog? Ha ha. That didn’t go over too well with her.

“What would you use?” She said.

“Depends.” I said.

Get it?

Hippie told me that he saw on TV where President Trump just told Jim Acosta “April Fools! Me and President Xi were just having a little fun with you guys!”

I’m pretty sure it was his own April Fool’s joke.  Which was pretty bad, but consider the source? Truck drivers aren’t exactly as smart as journalists, who obviously could see right through what Trump said, if he did say it. But it wasn’t very funny. I mean what if it were true? You have to admit this whole thing seems a little weird. That British guy said a million, maybe 2 are going to get it, or die; I can’t remember which.

I got to work this morning and there was about 8 or ten guys standing in line. I didn’t measure but they looked closer to each other than 6 ft. I said to one of them “Hey they’re hiring like hell at Walmart!” They all laughed.

“Right dude. Let’s get the heebie-jeebies for 12 bucks an hour and let all them Wal-zombies sneeze on me while I’m putting out plastic from the Chi-comms? Fuck that.”

I take his point.

Hey we got nothing to worry about. The government is giving us back our own money. That’ll be a big help. $1200. But if you have missed a child support payment anytime between now, and say, like back to when the kid was born, you don’t get it. I think there’s lots of guys who won’t get too excited about that.

Namely yours truly. The short end of the stick guy,

Your little broheim,


Next Letter: Your Holiness

Eat More Chicken

March 28 (I think) 2020 (I’m sure)

Dear Sis,

Gloria in the office got all bent out of shape about calling it Chinese. “It’s racist.” She said. She came out to the shop to have a smoke and since I had the fire wrench going, I gave her a light. She has this real sexy way of smoking where she stands with her left arm folded under her breasts and holds the cig in her right hand and waves it around her face while she talks. “Yeah that is definitely racist. Those poor people got it from bats. That’s all they have to eat for godsakes.”

“Yeah, well they should eat fewer bats then. And more chicken.”

This thing is getting out of hand now. Larry came in the other day and had one of those websites on his phone he looks at (no not pornhub lol) that says the ‘Rona ‘attacks men’s testicles’. Now that is some serious shit. This article said that it actually eats all the sperm and then your nut explodes. He said this is what caused most of the deaths, at least in men.

“That’s some bad ass flu.”

“It ain’t the flu, Mace. That’s the point. Its new. That’s what ‘novel’ means in its name.”

Yeah, let’s say he’s right. OK, then why can’t the China part of its name mean that it’s from China?

Yancey came in today with this, like, Zorro Mask on. “I don’t see how this is supposed to help.” he said. I don’t think he was kidding. That’s the kind of thing you get with the guys we have working around here. I guess he thought that was really supposed to protect him. A few bricks short of a full load. Big John said he was sure he was kidding, but I dunno.

One funny thing did happen the other day, sis. Maybe you could ask Dianne about it? I was lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, kind of awake but not really and I kept hearing what sounded like a marching band coming down the street under my window. Not the whole band playing. Just the drum line. And it was a really really cool cadence and the bass drums were all balanced with the snares like Boom da da Boom crack Boom da da boom crack. And it kept getting closer and closer and then I realized it was IN my ears. It was my heart. Weird, Huh?

I didn’t feel like getting up after that so I just called in and told Tony I was anti-social distancing.

Mornin’ came and mornin’ went; still me, still here, still baffled by the bullshit,

Su hermano guapo,


Next Letter: April Fool


Hey Sis – It’s 5:28 AM and purty (like mom used to say) damn quiet here so I thought I’d take advantage of nobody being on the computer.

Here’s something you need to tell Carl. He’ll love this, lemme tell you. Anyway, I’m trying to bust loose a high-pressure line coming off the diverter valve on one of my vac trucks. It’s all rusted in and I’ve squirted the shit out of it with WD-40 and put a 2-foot piece of pipe on my adjustable to get more torque and it’s still not breaking. Bitch. I look up from my misery and see Normal standing there watching me. He’s got an N95 on and ear buds taped to his ears, and this surprised look in his eyes. Like he just sharted. Ask FC if he remembers Normal. Remember Normal, Carl?

Norman “Normal” Witkowski. We call him Normal because he is about the furthest thing you could imagine from ‘normal’. Besides, it literally IS his name. Almost. There was a masking tape headband covering his ear holes and going all around his head. Blue, so it would match his mask, I suppose.

“They won’t stay in my ear holes.” He said, pointing to his ears.

 “Ear holes.” Fuckin’ a. And you know that voice people have when they talk when they have headphones on and they have to speak over the volume of what they are listening to? They talk to you and it sounds like when deaf people, or people who are mostly deaf talk. They can’t hear their own words. Unbelievable. Annoying.

I grinned at him and said, “Go ahead. Enjoy the shingles rash you gonna get from the tape on your forehead.”

He pulled his earphones out and said “Whad’d ya say?”

“I said ‘What are you listening to, Normy?’”

“A voicemail. From this really hot chick I’m hookin’ up with from Tinder.”

“Tinder? Are you shittin’ me? That’s a great plan, Normal. Let’s go bone somebody we talk to online. What could go wrong there? D’ja ever hear of the clap or syph?” I said. “Or maybe she’ll have a boyfriend named Lupe who would like nothing better than to cap your ass. And what about the ‘Rona?”

“You worry too much Mace. Doc Fauci cleared Tinder for the Covid 19 thing. I seen it on Snap-chat.” He said, then quoting Fauci, ‘If you’re looking for a friend, sit in a room and put a mask on.’ He went on. “And you know, chat a bit. And if you want to go a little bit more, he said, well, then that’s your choice. My choice. It’s all about acceptable risk. And this chick is acceptable to me.”

He put his buds back in and adjusted the tape and his mask.

WTF. So now it’s your choice to take the ‘Rona risk with some hottie on Tinder but I can’t go and sit at the bar and have a burger? That’s a risk me and a million other guys would be willing to take. Especially the folks selling the beer and burgers. And this is from the Doc who said we should never shake hands again? What happened to that?

Took me another 20 minutes to break that line. Honest to God, every day things just get more and more fucked up.  Fucked am I,


PS – I Skyped Uncle Scott the other night. It took a country minute to get him on video but it finally worked. Not that I was glad it did. He looked like shit. He was sitting in that big old tan Lazy Boy he’s had for fuckin’ ever. I could see about 4 or 5 empty long necks on the side table and his ashtray, which was actually a foil tin from one of those Swanson pot-pies he eats all the time was full to overflowing with stubbed out Winston’s. We loved to watch him blow smoke rings when we were kids, and try to put our fingers in them before they would fade away, remember?

 So, I asked him, “What’s up Unc?”

“Not a thing, Short Stuff. I was social distancing before it was cool. Don’t mean a thing. I’m just sitting around working on my blood clot.” He’s always that way, funny, but kind of scary too.

“You workin’?”

He had a beard (which I never saw on him before), and his greasy grey hair that was always combed back on the sides into a 50’s DA was, well, gone.  I always thought the Duck’s Ass was kind of cool but this was kind of cool, too. He looked a little bit like Bruce Willis.

“Yeah I’m workin’. Wrenchin’ nights for Veolia. It’s a cluster. Speaking of cluster, what happened to the ol’ DA?”

He coughed a loose phlegmy cough that kinda sounded like he had the virus already. “Yeah, check it out. Me and Bruce Willis.”

Now, that is the kind of shit’s amazing to me. Didn’t I just say he looked like Bruce? And here he was saying it too. What do you call that? Fuckin’ weird. That’s what you call it.

“I was just screwing around with the hair cutting attachments that came with the Norelco. Trying to trim my hair. Got a bit carried away.” He was laughing. I’m about ready to try that micelf.

“Working on my blood clot.”  That’s some funny shit. I can really see where Rat got some of his nuts-ness.

I’m falling asleep here. I better get going before the sun comes up and ruins my moon tan.



Carl’s Baby

I have continued to retreat to the lake in the summer, keeping the same cabin we always occupied each year. For the last few years, Carl has maintained a full time residence in the larger cabin. Kathleen and Denise are both gone now, all the kids that are left have spread across the country.

The lake as a resort area is well past it’s prime; the dirt road circumnavigating the shore ungraded, the lake shore dotted with fewer and fewer rental cottages and the mom and pop ‘resorts’ consisting of tiny faux log cabins or little A-frames hardly more than lean-to’s are mostly empty and run down. Time has passed the lake by in terms of its desirability to vacationers. Even a change of name by the locals from Carp Lake to ‘Lake Paradise’ didn’t help, and the obvious irony in the name (obvious to everybody except the locals) seemed to have actually hastened the loss of interest compared to glitzier places on nearby lakes with better beaches, better views, better restaurants, all-inclusive packages and deeper water. Our cottages, a cluster of three (in fact one was actually just a cabana), had been part of our family since the 60’s. Situated in a small cut in the lake shore, they share a long dock, maybe 150 ft that goes out in to the lake with a swim platform at the end, making it “T” shaped. The waterfront is the nicest part of the property. Back in the day, a 14 ft aluminum skiff with expired MC numbers was tied there, a 15 HP Merc mounted on the transom that moved it along smartly; enough to get Carl and me quickly out to the weed line where we would fish for crappie and walleye and sunfish.

But now, most mornings we join each other (a couple old widowers) for breakfast at The Lighthouse, a crummy little joint on the north shore of the lake, in a row of 3 or 4 shops that we call “The Mall”. This morning was a bit different, as it was the first we had met since Kathleen’s funeral. Carl was already at the table; he always took a four top and sat facing. He looked up from his phone and saw me coming in when he heard the door chime.

“So what’s happenin’ Harrison?”

“Everything.” I said. “Somewhere. You?”

“Livin’ the dream, man.”


“You all right?”

“No. Who is? Not anybody we know, that’s for sure.”

As soon as I sat down, Carl got up to go the bathroom.

“Don’t order until I get back, heayh?”


When he came back there was a Dylan song playing. On what? Not the jukebox. They don’t have those anymore. This was playing on their XM channel or something. Some music service maybe.

He came dancing up to the table and that is the kindest term I can use for what was really nothing more than a soupy shuffle; a bowlegged Popeye the Sailor deal, except he was grabbing his balls and holding them up like they weighed 10 pounds each.

“Gotta hand it to him.” he said. “Big balls in Cowtown. Doesn’t do an album in five or six years and then puts out a double with a bunch of songs he ripped off. Opens with a Chuck Berry song and a bunch other 1-4-5’s. Sick.”

Kathleen loved Dylan. She once told me that he was the only man she would ever leave me for. Which was just like saying she would never leave me. I knew the record he was talking about. I knew the song. We had it playing when she died, I was right there next to her. I can’t listen to that song anymore. The last few weeks were horrible, even if (and some people actually told me this might be true) we had acted like we actually planned them that way. I can tell you one thing. I am not the one doing the planning, in that case. At any rate, there we were right in the hospice room and Carl leans over to Kathleen and says, “It’s ok, it’s ok to go, baby.” It was his sister after all.

Which, at that she took a couple deep and seemingly peaceful sighs and stopped breathing. I had just told her I was here (whoever I am, and wherever here is) and had laid my head on her shoulder and was holding her hand. There was no pressure or response to my squeezes but a perfect tear formed at the corner of her eye and rolled down the path made by a previous one I hadn’t seen and dropped on my cheek. I looked up and saw her spirit escape through her mouth. I kissed her cheek and noticed (there’s a strange word – noticed) the wet from the tears and I licked them off her cheek. To get her salty essence into me.

I studied the lines on her face; no answers there. A couple of diagonal creases on her forehead over each eye; were they new? How could I have never noticed them before? I went to the mirror right there in the hospice room and tried to replicate them in my own face. I could not. Scowl. Frown. Nothing. How did they get there? Was there a message there or just some sort of twisting muscle in death that involuntarily makes them?

I have this incredible sadness. So many missed opportunities. Mistakes were made. Apparently. Not the least of which – that’s the understatement of the century – was what we started out calling “The Accident”, then later as if to take the sharp edges off, to eliminate the need to name a prime mover as one would in an accident, as in what caused said accident, it was just called “The Incident.” An incident has no cause. Incidents just happen. And who creates them? We all do. No one person does anything. I didn’t throw the baby in the water. But I might as well have. By what I did. Or didn’t do. At any rate, I don’t think there is enough time left to sort it out. So I’ll just pretend that this is exactly how it was supposed to happen. It’s all part of the show folks. Life appears, and then it is gone. A shimmering rush of events and happenings, none of which it seems that we have any control over; striving, pulling, fooling, loving, dying.

There. That’s said. OK, where was I?

Breakfast was ordered and came. Carl looked at me across a big platter of biscuits and gravy, his eyes all rheumy. He had to take his glasses off between mouthfuls and wipe them. At that point he stopped and stared at me with unfocused eyes. I bit.

“What’s on your mind, Carl?”

He began firing questions at me left and right and center. Weird questions too; “Did you and the old lady ever go to strip clubs – get lap dances? Did y’all ever watch porn together? Did ya ever fuck Kathleen and have thoughts about fucking someone else? I mean, maybe somebody you already fucked somewhere sometime, or wanted to fuck, or wish you could fuck somewhere sometime? I guess ya never, huh? Like, I guess I can see that, if you are totally in love. Like you and Kathleen. Lame.”

Oh, wait, there’s more.

“D’ja ever go south on the old lady, Harry? Was that something you did for her? I always done it for Denise, and believe you me, buddy, she really ‘preciated it.”

By ‘goin’ south’ he did not mean a trip to Disney World. In between all this he was shoveling it in as fast as he could, scooping up sausage and gravy and grits, throwing salt and pepper and hot sauce on everything and putting it away. Little speckles of it flew from his mouth.

I was about to say something about a glob on his chin – I wasn’t going to answer any of his questions – but what he asks me next annoys the Bejesus out of me.

“Harrison.” He stopped eating, fork loaded with a quarter biscuit sopped with butter and sausage gravy inches from his lips. “Harry. In all them years did you ever lay pipe outside your own yard?”

Carl was looking at me; he was expecting an answer to his question. Apparently this was his idea of grief counseling. I gave him the one he wanted.

“Yeah, Carl.” I told him. “I did.”

Carrl stopped talking and looked at me, leaning back in his chair. Food was still in his beard.


“Yeah. Plenty of times. In fact, I did it with the hospice nurse one time in the hall outside of Kathleen’s room.”

“Ah, fuck you Harrison. I’m serious.” Then, “You ain’t gonna tell me are ya? Well that’s OK, because you know what – I did fuck around on Denise. A lot. I just never knew about you.”

There. See what I mean? Although I have always been fond of the rolling Appalachian dialect that Carl speaks in, the curious words and phrases he uses like ‘chimley’ and ‘it does it automatic’, I have never become totally accustomed to the coarse limpidity of his speech. This was the kind of subject matter Carl liked to bring up from time to time, though usually just when he was drunk. Which was not as often as it used to be, but still frequent. He had been known to once be so drunk that he ate cat food that Denise had sitting out in a bowl on the counter. There were always cats. Doesn’t leave a lot to be said. Already it’s more than he’d ever said about the drowning. He stared at me a beat and before he said anything else, his phone buzzed. He tapped it and after a quick look, shoved it over to me.

“Harry. Check out this sandstorm in China.”

I mean you never really know what someone else is thinking. They could be setting the table or watching TV and thinking about killing their boss.

By “old lady”, he meant my wife Kathleen; Carl’s little sister. Well, half-sister; they shared a mother, who had raised them with her husband and Kathleen’s father, Mick, who Carl always thought of as his father. Mick and Marie. M & M. As sweet a couple as ever graced the earth. Marie had Kat after her change, and supposedly did not even know she was pregnant until she went in to labor. Carl’s real father was an itinerant musician who, after learning of Marie’s pregnancy, had found the pleasures of life on the road with a gospel bluegrass group more alluring than family life. It was often offered in his defense that his relationship with Marie was a kind of an off and on affair, and after all it was ‘mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe.’

Carl’s mother was sure of his paternity, even though the days of off-the-shelf DNA testing were yet in an alternate present. But this was a secret she kept to herself for many years. Still, whenever Carl referred to his “Daddy” it was Mick, the hardworking maintenance foreman from Cheboygan, not the picker from Logan. Every Christmas and most of Carl’s birthdays, Helm showed up and visited, with gifts, Carl’s mom and his old friends Mick and Marie, and without acknowledging it, his bastard son. It was this history that was made known to Carl years later at a drunken wake for Mick. Perhaps this was what lead Carl to question the paternity of his own first child, a little girl, born in the first year of his marriage to my crazy sister Denise, dead now some two years and several months ago. I don’t know. I never had to find out my dad wasn’t who I thought he was, so I would not offer an opinion on what that might do to a man.

Kat and I never really talked that much. About that. We both knew what was going on between my sister and her half-brother. I don’t know if Denise fell for Carl because of his accent and his guitar playing, his long hair or what. Maybe it was his tattoo, a fucked up looking daisy, all in blue with eight or nine petals around a circle. I mean it is dead ugly. I think he did it himself when he was about 15.

“You could get that tattoo cleaned up a bit.” I told him once. “Looks like shit.”

“Oh, OK Harrison. I’ll do that just for you. Maybe I should get it blended into a sleeve over my whole arm, all psychedelic birds and mythical beasts and shit. Whaddya think? Or maybe just clean it up a little and get a hipster kind of tattoo with a quote from some obscure poet or philosopher on my inner arm or someplace that can only be seen when I specifically yet casually and seemingly without self-consciousness reveal it.”

I took his point and never said anything else about it.

Carl’d come around when Kathleen and I moved in together and bring his guitar. Carl is a musician. Of sorts. Like his real father before him, he plays guitar, not too badly really. But he doesn’t have the cachet or the easy familiarity that real musicians have with their instruments. We’d have a few drinks and burn a little bush. Nothing too serious. One night Denise was visiting when he dropped by and that was it. I have often thought about that. If she wouldn’t have come by, they never would have met. And maybe her daughter would have been born to someone else, someone who deserved her. Or maybe she would have never been born at all. I don’t know how that works. Fate and all that. But there seems to be something to it. So it is with the resurrection of the dead. [The body] that is sown is perishable and decays, but [the body] that is resurrected is imperishable. That’s what happened. God put a sould in Adam and he passes it dwn with his sperm, and so on and so on through all the males. Of course you have to have a mate to carry the vessel for the new sould, so thts why women were made. I mena it sounds dumb, but thts the way it goes. So she was ooing ot be born to someone. Its just kind of sorry that she was born to someone who threw her in a lake.

She always seemed to go for the bad boys. There was one guy who treated her real nice her first year out of high school. Had a good job turning wrenches, and was real polite. She strung him on for a while then dumped him when Carl came along. Poor kid kept calling me up asking me about her and what he had done wrong. Nothin’, I told him. It isn’t you. Some girls are just like that.

Next thing we know Denise shows up with a ring on her finger and a five month along profile. A few months later she had the baby, a little girl. Carl wouldn’t hold her, wouldn’t touch her. Carl’s cruelty to Denise almost from the beginning was mystifying. Even more mystifying was Denise’s acceptance of his shit. Small ‘i’ incident after incident. The hand slapping game where he was ‘teaching her to develop quick reflexes’, slapping the backs of her hands as they rested on his palms before she could remove them, until they were welted with tiny blood blisters. Once emptying a shaker of salt on her food to mock, in his opinion, her overuse of it. And the jealous rages; suspecting her of all sorts of disloyalty and duplicity.

Carl’s baseless suspicions of Denise took on a lacerating and aggressive tone during her pregnancy. The baby was born in April, and when we all took our two weeks that summer at the little lake getaway up north, his constant ragging on her settled once again on the matter of paternity of the child Denise was carrying. Out of nowhere he accused her of having another man’s baby, just like he had been carried in Marie’s womb. Helm, his real father, never raised Carl, nor even acknowledged him as his son. He grew up thinking that someone else was his father, and that Helm was just an old family friend. So you could say that his mom, Marie, did the same thing to Malcom (“Mick”, the man who married Marie on the rebound from Carl’s real dad Helm when she was about three, maybe four months along with Carl), as Carl accused Denise of doing to him. Except Denise never was unfaithful to Carl, not for one minute.

We were all sitting around the fire one night, just a few nights before The Big ‘I” Incident. Carl was holding his guitar, idly playing a few chords.

“Here’s a little tune I wrote a few years back.” he said.

I thought he did a pretty good job with the song, but it rankled the hell out of Kat to hear him say he wrote it.

“It’s The Mighty fuckin’ Quinn, Carl.” She said. “You didn’t write that song. Bob Dylan wrote that song.”

To that he replied “If you hit a chord and just let it ring out totally, till the very last good bye, you think it will never end. But the notes tell you good bye. They really do. You think it’s over then you hear all the harmonics like a little tiny chorus of black girls. And yeah, he stole it from me.”

Carl and Denise were like wildcats that whole trip. Their arguing and slamming around could clearly be heard in the evening as Kathleen and I sat out on the deck trying to outlast the mosquitos while the sun went down in a blaze of reds golds and blues across the little lake. It was a twilit night in late June with lightening bugs thick as stars. Across the yard we saw Carl on the riding mower tearing up and down near the deck, a beer in one hand and steering with the other. We had an ancient Craftsman riding mower up there that we used to knock down the weeds a couple times a year. It was also fun to take the kids for little rides. I watched as Carl swung through the yard – what we called a yard. Nothing more than a stretch of about nine kinds of ‘ground cover’ Kathleen called it, that sloped down to the edge of a deck then to the dock itself and a set of steps leading to the beach. A couple hundred years ago the lake was a stop on the underground RR for fugitive slaves to fall into on their way to Canada. I imagined the poor devils coming across the lake in the near dark, stung shitless by mosquitos and black flies. Looking for a light signal from shore that would tell them they had found the safe house. They would run their sorry little boat or raft up onto the beach, which wasn’t really a beach at all (see that’s what I mean about words) and once in the water, they would find the bottom was a bunch of flat stones, almost like paving stones that had been laid in. They were moss bordered and slippery as snot, and Kathleen gave herself a nasty gash one year slipping on them and gouging her shin right down to the left front tibia (yeah I know that the tibia IS the one in front) right through her fair freckled skin on the Sunfish rack. But a few yards farther out where the baby was thrown in, the bottom changes to a loose soft sand, stained by the tannin in the water a dark, coppery brown.

He progressed more or less in even rows, transiting back and forth (I know there’s a better word for that) getting closer and closer to the deck. Denise and Kat had planted several big pots of flowers there. They looked real nice against the white deck. I don’t know what kind they were but they had some kind of blossom that was well known in the area for being rare and hard to grow and bloom. They were pink.

Bang. Carl ran hard in to the one nearest us. The pot didn’t break, but it spilled on its side and most of the flowers launched in to the lake. There must have been a dozen or so of these pink petals that were floating like little fairy boats on the water. Carl got off the mower and kicked the rest of the flowers and the pot; the whole thing, off the deck. Nobody else was around to see this, but he turned and looked around just in case, saw us, grinning and amazed, and gave us the old Spanish Shrug, as if to say, there you have it. I actually I thought it was pretty funny at the time, but I don’t anymore.



Sure, I get it. Everybody wants to know who a baby looks like. It is a subject of constant speculation. There is a guileless examination of the child; her eyes, her hair, the little vein on the bridge of her nose appearing through the translucent skin, the peaked ears. And beyond her physical appearance; her laugh, does she sleep well, demonstrate petulance or determination or is she easily frustrated, like Uncle Harry? We are pleased to determine that yes, indeed there is a family resemblance. But at the root of this is always the possibility, the suspicion, the unstated question in Carl’s mind; who did her mama? Who her daddy? Ooooo. Is that red hair? Nobody in the family has red hair for three generations. Ha ha. Better check the mailman. Aww. How sweet says Al the African American mailman, as he looks in to the bassinet. “At least she’s white.” As he slips a $50 dollar bill in to the bassinet.

This is as old as history; the desire to catch someone, to expose them is as powerful as the guileless curiosity – who do you think she looks like? But the question gets asked often and as the child grows, the physical similarities to dad better become obvious.

It’s hard enough if everything is on the up and up, mama and daddy are who you’d think them to be, who you’d expect them to be. But if question leads to suspicion and suspicion leads to what is euphemistically called a “curiosity test” and that test comes back “Chance of fatherhood” — ZERO. Now you got a situation. But this was before off-the-shelf Daddy kits. And polite people just did not speculate openly about such matters.
That the baby’s looks had become such a trigger for Carl was somewhat of a surprise to me. I knew Carl was edgy, drinking a bit and taken to leaning on the railing of the deck while we were barbecuing and snorting like a buck moose. Whatever he decided on the morning of the 9th of June at the cottage pretty much settles the question for him though. On that morning Kathleen was sitting on the porch of our cabin and saw Carl march down the dock and untie the boat and fire up the Merc. What she told me later was that from the swing of his shoulders and the heaviness in his tread that shook the dock you knew was pissed. About to show his ass.

The motor was usually obstinate; it rarely started on the first pull and was well known for it to require 10 or 12 shoulder jarring yanks to fire up. Not today. One pull and Carl roared off in the direction of the middle of the lake at full speed, throwing a sizable wake. Then he turned sharply, so sharply that I thought he would capsize, and headed back right at the dock, banking off at the last second and roaring back out into the lake. Kathleen stood up and started toward the dock, but stopped and instead said, “Harry! Come here! Something is happening with Carl.”

He repeated this maneuver twice; thrice, and then headed out maybe a quarter mile into the lake and cut the motor, or it stalled. By the time I got there, the morning once again became very quiet, and the call of the loons resumed. I heard a screen door slam and saw Denise coming out of the cabin and onto the dock, dressed only in baby doll pajamas and an open housecoat of some filmy material that flowed out around her in the onshore breeze. She was barefoot, and holding the baby on her hip most of the way out onto the dock, her voice breaking and wailing her husband’s name.

“Carrr-ul! Carl! Carl, God damn it!” Her voice echoed across the still lake. “Why are you doing this? Come and get your baby! Don’t do this! She IS yours…ohCarlplease! Please. This is your baby! This is our baby!”

Even from where I was I could hear the soulful, mournful tone of her entreaties.

The motor must have been idling, because as soon as he saw her come out he headed back without pulling the starting cord, the bow of the little boat cutting a white wake in the dark water of the lake. He was going too fast and for a moment it looked like he was going to come right over the swim platform, but he tacked over at the last second and cut back the throttle and started to glide alongside the dock. She held the baby out in front of her now, a tiny bundle loosely wrapped in a pink blanket. “Take her! Come take her! She’s yours! This is your baby, Carl! YOUR FUCKING BABY! Come and get her!”
At first I thought it was some sort of charade, a bit of theater they were performing for our benefit. It was something they were not unknown to do on occasion.

What appeared to happen next? Even now, there is some question in my mind as to whether she threw or dropped the baby. It looked like she threw it, pushing it out in front of her, and the tiny bundle flew in a shallow bow toward the boat and Carl; the blanket fluttering off and floating on the water. But maybe she tripped. No, she pushed the baby at Carl, in the general direction of the boat as it approached the dock. It was a baby, for Christ sake, a baby flying in a low arc about 10 feet out over the water and what crossed my mind? That it was a pretty good throw for a girl. She threw it like a girl does a basketball from the foul line, but with less height. For a second I thought that the baby would land in the boat which was rapidly approaching the dock, but spinning slightly (she must have pushed harder with her right arm) it followed a shallow crescent trajectory. It didn’t make a sound that I heard, but its arms shot out wide in that startle reflex they have when they realize they are falling. It landed in the water with a flat splash, on its back. She disappeared almost immediately, sinking out of sight under the dark water. The pink blanket floated on the surface. The water was still disturbed from Carl’s antics, and little waves from the boat’s wake were now lapping gently at the shore.

Denise sank or fell to her knees and put her hands palm down on the dock and hung her head down between her shoulders. I imagined her to be sobbing, but I could not tell. I got up and started to move toward the dock. It seemed like I was trying to move through some sort of thick air, or run with elephant feet. I wasn’t sure if I was in a dream.

A lot of things went wrong that made a big difference. The bottom was all chewed up from Carl’s digging in that little Merc and tearing around the dock. The baby sank. I thought babies floated. I’ve seen picture of little babies thrown in swimming pools and pictures taken with Go Pros underneath the water show the little critters swimming like frogs. Not this one. Carl and I kept ducking down under the chest deep water looking for the baby. I was afraid I might step on her. Denise’s continual screaming didn’t help, and neither did Kat’s bossy instructions on where to look. And then when we did find her, she looked so bad that we didn’t do any CPR on her. Not that anybody knew how to do it anyway.

It was Carl who found his daughter and wrapped her back up in her pink blanket that was still floating next to the dock. And then he waded over to the dock and offered her back up to Denise. I think it was the first time he had ever held her. She just nodded at him and then sat on the edge of the swim platform holding her until the cops came. Anyone could tell that the baby had just died there.

Denise and the baby didn’t seem real. Carl didn’t seem real, sitting there on the dock next to Denise. Kathleen didn’t seem real. And I definitely didn’t feel real. The dock and the boat and the cottage – all these it felt like I was looking at them for the very first time; that those things themselves had actually just appeared from out of nowhere and not me not you not anybody had ever seen them before.

It was a horrible tragedy we all agreed. A terrible accident. A young mom trips on the dock and just like that. Boom. A little boy burned up at a fireworks display over on the point a few years ago. Ten thousand people die in an earthquake in Chile. These things happen. And we were all in agreement to that. Just horrible. And it seems just as horrible to me today, even though babies don’t seem as important as they were then.

Carl waved off the waitress who had come around with the coffee pot. Carl said he heard on CNN that it was now OK in certain states for doctors to kill a baby that survived an abortion.

“They have to ask the mom first though.” He said. Then playing the part of the doctor he said, “Are you sure you don’t want this baby, ma’am? Because, umm, we didn’t quite get rid of it for you. So if you changed your mind and want it now, you can still have it. Or we can finish it off for y’all like you wanted in the first place.”

There were a number of options open to Carl when Denise died two years ago; an infinite number, really, if the truth were ever to be known (it won’t). All equally good and bad. So no difference. In out. Up down. He did what was written, looking back. He sold the excavating business in Detroit. “Abandons” is perhaps a more accurate description. He was broken with drink, all fucked up and without successors. He liquidates the inventory and sells the equipment at auction. Each of his other two step-sisters urge him to move to their respective towns, where they say they can care for him and frankly, align themselves properly for the distribution of his estate, when the time comes. He’s the only one in the family with any wealth, so I get that.

He loves his sisters, but can’t brook the liberal politics of the older one and her husband, who live in Wyoming, Michigan. A town that doesn’t know if it is a state or a city. The younger sister Mary (or Mercedes as she is known professionally these days) lives in New York City, and makes a handsome income by “camming”, an activity the exact duties of which Carl is unsure of. Whatever “camming’ is, her calls asking for money have stopped. Even though his emotional compatibility with her is far greater than with the older sister, New York has only slightly more appeal as a domicile to him than hell, and is equally retributive. Not to mention what he suspects the nature of her career to be. So he stays up north; lives at the lake all year round in that tiny cottage, where a baby who was or wasn’t his daughter drowned so many years ago.

We pay our bills and stand outside trying to get out of this mood, not doing really well, and that song came on again through the outdoor speakers, and made me think of Kat and how much I loved her and how much I miss her and how there is nobody in my life now I can talk to the way I talked to her and probably never will be. Probably never was.

I can feel my bones in my body and I do not like the feeling. I can feel them moving inside their sinews; slipping along the musculature. I can feel them when resting on hard surfaces. I am afraid they will turn to jelly. That they will liquefy and I will not be able to stand. Or that they will become rubbery and cause me to walk in a rolling gait, willing my muscles and tendons to hold them straight. I start to cry like an old man does; constricted throat, wheezing, and more dampening of the eyes than actual tears, than actual bawling. Carl doesn’t notice.

Words are so raw, so fluid. So many things could happen now depending on how well we love, or are loved. Eventually, none of it will really matter. But there was all that that happened, apparently. And what had to be said. And for now, it seems so important. We’re just left starving in this mystery.

I looked at Carl and saw him without thought rubbing the tattoo. There was a bit of flecking on his cheek. We heard something dying down by the lake, like it was being strangled. A rabbit maybe, although they tend to scream.

H. Scott Derkin

Copyright 2019


Previous Pilgrims


I am walking down a broad, stony, rocky riverbed that is almost dry. A tiny stream runs circuitously in the deepest part of the riverbed. It is hardly more than a foot wide. My brother and I are picking our way with rod and staff, among the ancient stones, using great care.

“This is the way I came before; little has changed.” he says.

I studied him, so handsome in life and now in this, even more so. I see his cheek, still damp from the tears I licked there as he lay dying; licked them to get the last of the salty essence into me that made us brothers.

There is a rushing of wind. Leaves and dust are blown up. I feel like laughing. Our clothes and hair are blown; our eyes are squinted for protection. I look up from my job; writing things down, that demands so much attention.  I see a pillar of water, then another and another.

“First the wind, then the rain.” I say.

The pillars of water are twelve feet high, revolving and about eighteen inches in diameter, no greater at top or bottom. I reach out to touch one as it moves by me.

“Don’t touch the water.” he says. Always the big brother.

There is graciousness in their movements, and as I touch the side, it pauses, as if waiting to be caressed. Water splashes out onto my clothing and shoes, and on the dry rocks and makes them shine, but when I remove my hands, they are not wet. The columns move on, gracefully, purposefully, effortlessly – with intent, as if following a path. They weave among the rocks and stones, and seem especially interested in those cairns and pillars stacked by previous pilgrims.

Their movements disturb not a single stone, although the power of these energized, kinetically happening, spontaneously generated columns of water is obvious. They pick up huge boulders, dozens of them, inspect them and set them down as they were for centuries. Only a light click of stone on stone can be heard, and this clicking has a musical ring to it, and a subtle, pleasing rhythm. There is meaning to it I cannot ken, like a code in song – more – it was as if a lock was being opened and tumbler after tumbler fell in sequence as the combination was advanced.

Many years ago, at the dock where my brother kept a small sailboat, some birds (I forget what kind) had built a nest into the gravel right on the quay. At first, I almost stepped on it. (“Killdeer”, he says now, “that’s what they’re called, Killdeer.”) It was so undistinguished. To distract me from the nest and eggs, the mother flew away as prey, a charade of injury to which I had no key.

The nest was but a saucered depression in the number six yard stone, yet the closer I looked the more evident, frighteningly evident it became that this was the work of a master mason that had no need of a compass or square, mallet or rule. Every stone, every pebble, every piece of dust and down had been laid so, just so into that concave depression.

“We’re almost there now.” he says. “Let’s keep going.”


H. Scott Derkin

Copyright 2018


Not That Boy

It is a mid-winter Sunday evening in Columbus, Ohio; dark and ugly with a lurid orange sun setting in black clouds. Dylan and Frazier are walking into a bar where Dylan ended a week long gig the night before, a bar they both refer to as “The Club” without a hint of irony. Everyone else has picked up their instruments and amps; even the drums are gone. The bartender, an amiable giant called Goose sees them come in and flicks on the red and then the blue stage lights. Except for the PA and Dylan’s amp, the stage is bare and littered with broken drumsticks and guitar strings, pieces of guitar picks and overflowing ashtrays. Partially drunk bottles of beer stand among the empties. Cigarette burns on the carpet are now visible, and in several spots, burned clear through to the plywood. The jukebox is playing an old Rolling Stones song. “Well I told you once and I told you twice…” Dylan rolls his eyes at Frazier, who crosses the empty dance floor toward the stage, his limbs moving roughly in time to the music in something even the most charitable observer would not call a dance.
Frazier and Dylan are most often seen together, though they have never developed any real intimacy; not fraternal, not sexual; to say they were friends did a disservice to that term and lent an honor to a relationship that was not there. They were not buddies, or pals, didn’t even have the sort of wingman and leader bond informing their relationship that is practiced by so many young men. It was just this: Frazier owned a Dodge van and when they met, a Plymouth Roadrunner. The Roadrunner was of no interest to Dylan, but he immediately saw the benefit of a van. Even if the offer was a bit cheeky.
“Look at you. You’re a fuckin’ mess. You need a manager, man. You need me. Haul your shit around. Make sure you get to gigs on time.” Frazier said. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll make you a star.”
Dylan could see that Frazier would be a total pain in the ass, pushy and entitled. And the observation that he was a mess had not escaped his own notice. Dylan was currently without wheels, taking the bus or coping rides with other band members to get to gigs. Until very recently, he had been driving his own van (a beat up Ford Econoline) on a suspended license. It was currently in a police impound lot, somewhat the worse for wear after sideswiping a row of parked cars after a gig in Ann Arbor. True, he was distracted by the bass player’s girlfriend giving him head, but the police felt the cause of the accident was rather more related to his poor reaction time, the result of the wicked combination of sopers and Jim Beam. He spent the night in jail, the bass player’s girlfriend spent the night in the hospital, and the bass player; well, he quit the band.
Dylan felt worse about the bass player leaving the band than he did about the van (or the girlfriend). He tried to explain it to the bass player this way: “Man, I don’t even like your girlfriend. I was just trying to be nice to her.”
This is what he had to say: “You’re an asshole, Dylan. A real asshole.”
Frazier also received a disability check from Uncle Sugar to compensate for a steel plate in his head. The most Frazier had ever told Dylan about that was his tour leading a platoon of the 7th Cavalry; 2nd Battalion, Company A (“Just like fuckin’ Custer, man”) in Vietnam had been cut short by some sort of accident. Though he did not tell him what kind of accident it was, exactly, that resulted in the steel plate being put in his head.
It was this: 1969 was not a particularly good year to be an ROTC Second Lieutenant, especially one having picked the infantry (“queen of the battle”, his CO had told him) as his branch. He had been sent to Vietnam 12 weeks after graduation. He was not a good leader or even a good soldier; neither brave nor noble and deeply resented by the men he sent, rather than led into action. Men who hated being in the Ia Drang valley in the first place. So when the frag from a grenade clipped a few CC’s out of his skull, all parties were actually pleased when the doctors told him “You’re out of this fight, son.” His men were especially pleased, and it was rumored that the grenade may not have been VC at all. He got an honorable and a Purple Heart.
Dylan had told Frazier even less, just that he was from Pellston; a small town in northwest Michigan and that it was called the “Icebox of the Nation”, and that he thought it was more like the armpit of the nation, and that he had escaped the draft with a particularly high lottery number.
He didn’t tell him that the limp he had (so slight that Frazier has never noticed, or least commented on) was the result of a collision with a 280 pound defensive lineman for the Mackinaw Mustangs that ended his chances for a scholarship. He didn’t tell him that he called a number in Pellston about every other day, pumping quarters and dimes into the payphone in the lobby of the motel.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Ma. Is it my fault? Can’t it be nobody’s fault?” he says over and over into the phone. There was never an answer to his questions, but just hearing her voice gave him comfort.
He didn’t tell him that he hates the long sets, that he hates the starless night sky in Ohio; he hates the way people pronounce their words here. The way they say “the heat needs turned up”. He hates who he is here; what he has become.
So they drink together.
As drinking companions went, Frazier was not ideal. Too small to be effective in a fight; neither particularly winsome nor successful with the ladies. He was, however, a cogent observer of the vibe in any given bar, particularly sensitive to situations with a potential for trouble. He never sat in the inside seat in a booth, or with his back to the door. At the bar, he never allowed himself to be between two people.
“Never let yourself get flanked, Dylan. You never know when you might have to make a tactical.”
That his own drinking was prodigious and frequently seriously complicated his life did not diminish his enthusiasm for it. In fact, just that day he had been fitted with new dentures, after suffering the indignity (the result) of all his remaining teeth being knocked out on the steering wheel of his Roadrunner, driven into a utility pole on Route 42 after a “shot-a-frame” game at Bowlero Lanes only two weeks ago.
His license plate, tossed into the Roadrunner through the shattered windshield and over the bloodied hood by a bored tow truck driver after the ambulance had taken Frazier to Riverside Hospital, was a vanity plate – “45STRYK”, commemorating his record for the most number of consecutive strikes thrown at the lanes.
They are there to pick up his gear but more importantly to find a girl that Dylan had talked to, and who then had booked on him before he finished his set last night. She came up to him between songs toward the end of the last set – a girl with the look of an American Indian about her – black hair, insolent dark brown eyes that offered a challenge and warning. At first he had thought her to be older. There was an age about her eyes but the skin on her hands and her neck was tight and smooth. She was cute enough, almost pretty. She had an allure; some kind of irregularity in her made Dylan feel connected to her and at the same time repulsed him. He thought maybe he had known her in another life, or that someone had warned him about her in a dream. That she could be the one for tonight thrilled him and yet frightened him. Perhaps he ought not to have been thrilled.
He thought she was going to make a request; instead she said that she heard his band was hot shit but that she thought they sucked. She said this in a tight, controlled voice keeping her molars together to prevent her jaw from moving out of sequence with her words; a technique used by people to control their diction when they have had too much to drink. She stood there swaying slightly, sipping her rum and coke through a tiny straw, a cross between a smile and a smirk on her face, looking not at him, but at some point over his shoulder, like she expected something or someone to appear there. There was a needy look in her eyes that made him feel helpless, as if she required something of him that he was powerless to provide. Then she laughed with a sound like breaking glass and walked away.
When the show was over, he looked for her. Goose told him she had left with a big guy who had a yellow ponytail. That’s just what he said. A yellow ponytail. Not blonde. Yellow.
“They been here every night lately.” he said. “Run with those boys and girls over there.” He had jerked his head over his shoulder to indicate a raggedy looking group in biker colors around the pool table.
Dylan looked over at them and seemed to be making a mental calculation as to the desirability of pursuing this girl any further. He was what the other members of his band called a ‘pussy hound’, a moniker not pejorative in those days. And he was. But not so much so that he was always willing to risk adverse circumstances to get what he wanted. Frazier noticed but misjudged.
“The poontang that got away.” he mocked.
“No, we’ll come back tomorrow.” Dylan said.
Now Dylan walked fast toward the stage, leaning forward, with his head bowed as if he were looking for something on the ground. He walked (and stood) with his feet turned out, like a dancer in first position. When he soloed his head was always down too, looking at the neck of his guitar and from time to time out over round, amber tinted and rimless glasses, appearing to scan the crowd. He knew this about himself; his father had often informed him of this and what he considered it to be; not just bad posture but a character flaw. His father, a florid man some 6 ft. 4 inches tall was given to alcoholic rages.
“You are ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag, boy! Hold your goddam head up! Walk with your feet pointed straight ahead! You look like a goddam loser!” This directive was most often followed by hard slaps to the back or side of his head that would leave his ears ringing.
Later, his mother, most often the primary target of her husband’s abuse, would try to soften his criticism of Dylan. “You walk like you’re going somewhere.” was what she said. “Don’t pay him any attention.” She would draw him close and hold him, hold him until Dylan felt safe again, until the smell of baby powder and Bond Street perfume pushed the pain out.
Dylan’s amp is not particularly heavy – a Princeton Reverb – and he slips on its vinyl cover and sets it off to the edge of the stage while Frazier packs up the mics and starts coiling the cords to the monitors and mains.
“Dyl! Get me a beer!” Dylan nods and goes to the bar, which is long and in the shape of a horseshoe. Before he can even order, Goose sets a couple long necks in front of him.
“Guess who’s here?” he says.
“Yeah. Cool.” Dylan says.
She is alone at the end of the bar, staring in to her drink. Somehow, she looks even less pretty tonight than she had the night before. But she was there, and he has come to find her, and he takes a few steps in her direction.
“So we suck?”
“Yeah. Your band sucks. You suck. I suck. We all suck.” She doesn’t even look up at him while she says this; just keeps staring at her drink. Then she does. “Oh. It’s you. Guitar boy. What’s your name, guitar boy?”
The woman, who, yes, is in fact Native American, has the surprising and depressingly inappropriate name of Fun. Her eyes are heavily lidded in green and dark eyeliner. A slutty style Dylan finds exciting; a style she learned in Marion Correctional cosmo class, where she had done thirteen months for forgery. Dylan struggles to remember the name for the rosy border of the upper lip (Cupids Bow) which rose full and sharply on Fun; her lower lip was full; almost too full for her smallish round mouth. The precious little valley running in the center of her face over the lip, (the philtrum) ran to nostrils with a powerful and sharp almost patrician flare that lent a noble element to her countenance.
That laugh again. It was like a recognition that she was talking to a fellow loser; welcome to the club. Dylan knew that in that laugh was judgement but also, perhaps, companionship. He knew what question was coming next. Was prepared to explain to her like everyone else that yes, Dylan was his given name, for the Welsh poet revered by his mother, and not, as so many thought, an affect after the scrawny folksinger from Hibbing whose songs were currently played almost incessantly on every juke box.
“Like Bob? Except that’s your first name. Jesus. I sure can pick ‘em”. Give me your hand.”
He hesitates.
“C’mon. What’re you ‘fraid of, guitar boy? Dylan, right?” She seemed to have a bit of trouble pronouncing “guitar”; she said it with two evenly accented syllables – “Gih – Tar”. Dylan wasn’t sure if it was a tribal accent or if she was just drunk.
Dylan read Castaneda, knew his natal charts, all of that. The I-Ching hexagrams. Not that it ever did him any good. He lets her take his hand.
She begins reading his palm, and talking about a weak fate line, and how a mons of Venus block just might be keeping him from being able to get it up from time to time, right? And how he will only have one real love in his life; that music is not his true calling, and that he will be rich, very rich someday. He doesn’t believe that, not for one minute. But he figures she’s having fun with it and if that’s what it takes to keep the ball rolling, that’s all he cares about. She moves closer and puts her boots on the foot rest of his stool, black and white J-toe cowboy boots engraved with skulls on the shaft, bones along the toe, and still holding his hand, pulls herself closer and puts her knees in between his, more than halfway up his thighs. She leans over to study the lines on his hand, and her hair falls onto her wrists. Dylan leans down and considers kissing the back of her head; putting his other hand on her shoulder, but does neither. He doesn’t even notice when the yellow haired man comes up behind him.
His long greasy hair is pulled back into a pony tail; not the man-bun of today but gathered by an elastic band just over his collar. The pony tail hangs six, maybe eight inches down his back. Tattoos on his neck and hands (a spider’s web; the spider in the hollow of his throat, “L-O-V-E” on the fingers of one hand, “H-A-T-E” on the other), he towers over Dylan. There is a patch on the front of his leather vest that says “Breaker” and a number of others with odd words and symbols that Dylan doesn’t understand. They are not merit badges for good deeds. Breaker seems unamused with what he sees.
“You’re in my seat, asshole.” Then, looking back at Frazier four stools down the bar, says, “Better get back to your wife.”
He snorts contemptuously and turns back to his business. He begins slapping Fun; slaps not full swung from the elbow or arm but little slaps from the wrist.
“Doing a little flirting while I was gone? I can’t leave you alone for a fuckin’ minute, can I?”
At first they could be taken as playful, harmless feinting between lovers to mock disapproval or annoyance. But these are too hard and frequent to be taken playfully; these are meant to sting, to humiliate, to shame, and are apparently less than welcome. Fun’s forearms went into a defensive positon, her elbows in at her sides, hands covering her face. She gives a little cry when he pulls her wrists into her lap and holds them there and continues slapping her.
Dylan retreats to his stool, and at first, watching the scene in the mirror behind the bar over the choir of bottles, talks to his beer as he peels off the label with his thumbnail. At the sound of each smack he appears to wince, as if a sudden pain is felt in his own body.
“Any man who would raise a hand to a woman…in a public place…what kind of a man…not a man…a goddam animal is what he is…” Smoke curls up from the cigarette Dylan is anxiously tapping, twirling the ash off on the side of the ashtray on the bar. The ashtray is full, and his cigarette ignites the filter of a previous butt.
“Goddammit!” He holds the smoldering ashtray up for Goose, who doesn’t see him, so he pours some beer into it. Finally turns to Frazier and says “Are we going to just let that go on?”
Frazier looks thoughtfully at the ceiling fan and blows a thin steam of smoke toward the blades.
“Dylan, you know, man, that guy is carrying, doncha? That he’s got pals over there shooting pool? That even Goose ain’t gonna fuck with him? You know that right?”
He drains his own bottle of beer and waves off another round from Goose, who came and took away the ashtray, now a pool of beer with cigarette butts floating in it.
“Dylan. Come on man, let’s get outta here.” Frazier said, slapping money down on the bar and shoving away on his stool. “Let’s leave it alone, man. You ain’t her daddy. None of our fucking business.”
The slapping had seemed to stop and the exchange between Fun and her implacable tormentor was now reduced to threatening tones from him and defeated whimpers from her. He still held her hands together by their wrists, on her lap.
Dylan stands up. The bar goes perfectly quiet as Dylan walks up behind him, puts his hand on the shoulder of the man’s black leather vest and says “I think that’s about enough, pal.”
Fun giggles drunkenly at Dylan’s command. Breaker ignores Dylan.
“Funny?” he says to her. Slap, slap.
Each slap gets harder until her cheeks now begin to show welts in the spaces between the marks made by the man’s fingers. “You think he’s funny?” Slap. “Still? Still?” Slap.
“I’ll give you somethin’ to fuckin’ laugh about.” Slap. Slap.
She freed one hand from her lap and, tries to wave his hands off like one would an autumn fly. She winces and says “No. No, I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean it.” Her eyes fill and pool with tears, which fly off her face with each blow.
“OK fella. That’s enough. Let’s take this outside.”
The man stood up, a full four inches taller than Dylan. He sweeps the bar in front of him with his arm, as if clearing a field for battle. Glasses and bottles go crashing behind the bar. He turns and stands square to Dylan.
“This ain’t the lunchroom, asshole. You gonna do something, do it now.” Dylan notices a teardrop tattooed on his cheek near one eye.
The movement in Dylan’s arm is almost imperceptible, but before he gets a fist made or raised above his waist, Breaker pushes hard on Dylan’s chest with both hands, knocking him off his feet and sending him skidding and crashing across a four top.
“Go back and finish your beer before I have to really fuck you up.” he said. He leans over Dylan, who had fallen on his back. He rests his booted foot on Dylan’s crotch. “I will put my foot up your asshole so far your stomach will come out your throat, motherfucker.”
“I hope you’re happy now.” Frazier says, picking up Dylan from the floor, now soaked with the drinks of the two couples who until a moment ago had been just watching the scene. “I hope you’re just real fucking happy now.”
Dylan’s hands are filthy with the detritus of what accumulates on a barroom floor; even the most hygienic are a cesspool of sputum, ejaculent, spilled drinks, greasy food and street dirt. “Upholstered sewers.” Frazier calls them. Through this layer of feculence a couple small cuts are bleeding profusely on the palms of his hands from the breaking glass, and tears of rage are boiling in his eyes. Dylan is on his feet with Frazier’s help, holding a wine bottle; Lancers, a cheap red wine best emptied in the toilet (often deposited by the consumer there anyway) and the bottle used as a candle holder. It is mostly empty now: it had fallen unbroken from the table. Its heavy crockery fits perfectly in his hand, like a small football.
His head pounds with defeat. But this time, he cannot accept the injustice of a man beating a woman. Any man. Any woman. If he did, he might just as well be part of it, just as well be a woman beater himself for allowing it to happen. Just as well be the kind of boy who would let his own mother get smacked around; to see and hear the blows falling on her. The thuds, hollow thumps, nauseating, grinding cracks and finally the bang and crash of her body falling over her davenport and through the coffee table. “You couldn’t defend me, darlin’.” his mother would say to him later, then a slightly built boy of fourteen. And his heart would choke in shame and impotence. He would not be that boy. He could not be that boy. Not that boy. Not this time.
Breaker, at the urging of the bartender and several others, starts to leave and is pushing Fun toward the door. Dylan watches him propelling her forward with a series of pushes between her shoulder blades. With each. Push. Her head. Jerks back. Her hair flies in a whiplash movement. His friends look up from shooting pool and see him leaving. Some noise, some movement behind him over his right shoulder where only his defeated enemy should be catches his attention, and he begins to turn to see where it is coming from. It is the last voluntary act of his skeletal/muscular system.
What happens; what he does in this moment in time is something that Dylan will not be able to recall with clarity for the rest of his life. The stone bottle makes a moaning whistle as it leaves Dylan’s hand, a perfect spiral through the smoky air. There is a noise like a large dry tree limb cracking as the bottle hits Breaker just behind his right ear. He goes down, a dumb beast at slaughter. Except for the sharp report his head makes hitting the tile floor; he drops with the sound a two hundred pound bag of flour might make falling from a truck. His eyes cloud and a sticky, gooey blood trickles from his right ear; a stream of bright red blood runs from a gash in his scalp through his hair, into his yellow pony tail and onto the barroom floor.
In the bar, it takes Dylan longer than it should have to realize what just happened. Frazier keeps repeating “What the fuck. Fuckin’ A.” before grabbing Dylan and shoving him past the body on the floor, past a few screaming women and drunken men who, still holding their longneck Stroh’s stand over the body saying, “He’s gone man. Lookit him! Dude’s dead! Lookit his eyes!”
Which were in fact undeniable testaments to the lifelessness in Breaker’s face. Frazier shoves Dylan past the end of the bar, past the bouncer’s station where Goose waves them past and hisses at them, “Get the fuck outta here man! Cops are comin’.” And out onto the sidewalk, where Fun, who had run out when her tormentor fell looks up at them, tear streaked make-up running down her face and says “Wait! I’m goin’ with you guys!” and runs after them, Frazier in the lead.
Reaching Frazier’s van, they drive in silence, Dylan sitting on the engine compartment cowling and Fun in the passenger seat. The cold air in Frazier’s empty van smells of cigarettes, weed and stale beer.
“Fuck. Fuck me.” Frazier says. “Somebody there will tell them what happened, Dylan. We’re fucked.”
“I just wanna go home.” Fun says. “Take me to the bus station. No. Take me home. I wanna get my cats.”
She puts her head on the dash, her face in her hands. Her shoulders shake with her weeping. Dylan touches her. She is never again slapped in the face.
So it was that Dylan met Fun and became a murderer that night in Columbus, Ohio, in a bar called The Reservation. Their lives together do not go well, or smoothly. In the bar, or in the consequent years. Not that they had up to this point.
Later, when Frazier is finally dead of his alcoholism, when Dylan and Fun are looking at 30 years on their jobs at Worthington Steel & Blank, taken “only until the band can get some more work, Fun”, when their children have been in and out and in again several State of Ohio penal institutions, including Marion Women’s Correctional, (where Fun learned so long ago to apply her green eyeshade and black eyeliner), when their grandchildren are going to rehab; when Dylan’s musical performances have devolved to evenings playing old Leonard Cohen songs on a battered sunburst Gibson 6 string, Dylan will not even be able to recall the details of this night. He will pull Fun close to him and touch her cheek, and wonder who she is.

H. Scott Derkin
Copyright 2018

Eulogy for Bruce

We are born and we die. Whether or not we go on after we die is the question of the ages. What does our life mean? That we are loved by God. Where is that meaning held? It is held in the hearts of those who love us. It is played out in the lives of those we come to know.

Our love for Bruce could not prevent his death. If so, he would be alive today, because he was loved by each of us in turn. Our natural feeling at this time is to search ourselves in fear of finding some failing; some action that we could have taken that would have caused him to recover. We ought not to hold that.

“When a friend is carried to his grave, we at once find excuses for every weakness, and palliations of every fault; we recollect a thousand endearments which before glided off our minds without impression, a thousand favors unrepaid, a thousand duties unperformed, and wish, vainly wish for his return, not so much that we may receive, as that we may bestow happiness, and recompense that kindness which before we never understood.”

– Samuel Johnson

His affliction, his devastating weakness, is the same as mine and thousands of others. That Bruce was ultimately unable to elude its grip is a testament to the nature of our enemy: cunning, baffling and powerful.

 Let us not regret the way he died but remember the way he lived.

I will forever be grateful to have known Bruce. I will forever be grateful that Bruce was there at the right times and places in my life:  My first days at University in 1963. During the ups and downs of my courtship with the girl who is still the love of my life. At my marriage. And at my fledgling company when I needed his help. I will forever be grateful for having a friend like him.

I met Bruce when I was 18 years old, a university freshman. We were both pledges of a social fraternity. On the road to becoming active members, he and I met another guy named Ed and we all became fast friends.

From the beginning Bruce was looked up to as the leader of our troika. He was the oldest by a couple years and for me, a Toledo boy straight out of high school, he was the epitome of the urbane east coast preppie.

Solid and self-assured, charming and smart.

He was devilishly handsome, knowledgeable about cars, clothes and girls. It was with Bruce that I made my first visit to New York City and was introduced to some of its pleasures.

He was like a big brother to me.  He was Holden Caulfield and Mr. Lucky rolled into one.

For all his urbanity, Bruce was always tremendously solicitous of friends and would listen patiently to school problems, girl problems and whatever else. Another friend from those days, remembered Bruce as “very put together”. He said “The Bruce I knew could have done anything.”

As the sixties wore on the halcyon days became fewer and fewer. These were times of expanding options and consciousness.

Before decisions that seemed good at the time took us apart, Bruce was a groomsman at my wedding. We still have the sterling silver candlesticks and platter that he gave us.

Ed remembers that Bruce, for as down to earth as he was, had the soul of a true spiritual seeker. When the college offered a course in Comparative religion – unusual for a public university in those days – Bruce was among the first to register for it.

Of the three of us, Ed was the only one to complete his degree at that time, and, graduating with an ROTC commission did a tour of duty in the Army. I had a deferment, but Bruce was vulnerable to the draft and on leaving school at that time, joined a National Guard Unit back in his home state of New Jersey.

Ed often joked that due to Bruce’s service with the guard during the civil disturbances in Newark, Bruce got shot at more than most guys who went to Viet Nam.

Another fraternity brother who was also from New Jersey spent a lot of time with Bruce during his time back home. Bruce was a frequent visitor at his home, and Goody told me the other night that his Mom adored Bruce. “Bruce was always doing things for people – if he could help you in any way he would. He fixed practically every appliance in my Mom’s home – broken lamps, toasters – even her TV.”

My life path took me away from Toledo, even as Bruce returned. A decade or more elapsed before I would return to Toledo and renew our friendship. We remained in touch over the years meeting for lunches and getting together from time to time. Bruce was sober in those days, and I was not. He saved a chair for me in the rooms, and when I had finally had enough of me in January of 1989, he was there.

All his friends speak of his kindness and sincerity. His openness about his own struggles. His genuine concern for others and offers of friendship. His frankness about his spiritual quest.

Again his ‘handiness’ is often commented on. One friend recalled how Bruce came to his house and ‘tuned’ the exhaust on his Harley Davidson motorcycle so expertly that he didn’t need to take it to the shop. Another spoke to me after the meeting of Bruce’s wood-working skills in carving and finishing a gunstock.

In 1991 I left a family business I had been part of. After a couple of years learning that I was basically unemployable, I ventured to start up a business of my own. At the time Bruce was selling for another company and an arrangement was made whereby he came on board with me, “just to help out”. Soon he became a solid part of what I was doing.

My daughter recalls Bruce at that time as being suave and debonair – classic Bruce.

In one particularly notable deal, Bruce closed a large sale with a German company who had found us on line. The owner of the company came from Germany to visit us and somehow Bruce managed to carry off the illusion that we were a robust international sales company. He decorated the office with German flags and our new customer left happy.

But storm clouds were appearing. Bruce’s struggles with depression were reaching a point where his effectiveness required what I hoped would be a temporary separation. It was not to be. Nonetheless we remained close during a difficult time in his life.

I would be wholly remiss if I did not speak of Bruce’s love of family. How often did he share deeply with me his concerns for, his love and pride of his children? His beautiful daughter and his wonderful son.

How passionately would he describe his hopes and dreams for them, and admit his shortcomings! But overall I have not known; I cannot count among my friends a more devoted and loving father.

Bruce touched many lives. That ultimately he was unable to accept in God and others the love that he showed so many is a great tragedy. Yet I know that he told me in his last letter from Glenbeigh that he was beginning to know his Higher Power.

And I know that Higher Power. And I know that once called upon, He does not leave us, even – especially – when we are unable to carry on as we ought.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 – Psalm 34:18

And this; another Johnson quote.  He was a man especially intimate with the nature of friendship:

“Let us … make haste to do what we shall certainly at last wish to have done; let us return the caresses of our friends, and endeavour by mutual endearments to heighten that tenderness which is the balm of life. Let us be quick to repent of injuries while repentance may not be barren anguish, and let us open our eyes to every rival excellence, and pay early and willingly those honours which justice will compel us to pay at last.”

Bruce – “May the LORD watch between you and me when we’re unable to see each other.”

– Genesis 31:49